Monthly Archives: September 2012

09.28.12
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Exercises to build self-esteem: #3. Personal positive experiences

Personal positive experiences…

1. Take out a clean sheet of paper and a pen of your choice.

2. Divide the paper into eight sections: Courage, Kindness, Selflessness, Love, Sacrifice, Wisdom, Happiness, Determination.

3. Under each section write about positive personal experiences that come under that category.

4. You don’t have to limit yourself to one example for each, the more you can think of the better!

5. Keep the paper somewhere handy so that (a) you can read it frequently and (b) you can add to it whenever you fancy.

 

  • I fought cervical cancer for four years, and I’ve hopefully won.
  • I underwent two surgeries for the cancer.
  • I underwent four biopsies.
  • I am going public with Lulu Stark.  I’m going to be courageous here and put my name out there.  I am actually Tiffany.  But, I prefer Tiff.  Please keep calling me Lulu though.  I like it.  I think it represents something in me.
  • In June 2011, I started As The Pendulum Swings, my first mental health blog.
  • I co-founded A Canvas of the Minds, a community mental health blogging site.
  • I supported Occupy Pittsburgh when they were camping in town.
  • In 2006, I lived without basic utilities in a dilapidated house.
  • I recently moved away from my hometown.
  • I had the courage to finally break ties with my extended family and put my parents at a distance.
  • I’ve finally accepted my son’s diagnosis of Pervasive Development Disorder.
  • In 2009, I sought treatment for bipolar disorder.
  • Before my surgery in 2011, I chose to live by my own hand.

  • I take late night phone calls for friends in need.
  • I used to volunteer for my family’s church.
  • I am fiercely loyal to friends, even if they don’t deserve it.
  • I occasionally give to charities, especially those for children.
  • I taught music in a youth program for underprivileged children.
  • I make it a point to comment on people’s blogs at least once a day.
  • I encourage online friends to email me when they are having a hard time.
  • I help my husband finish his work at home.
  • I leave love notes for my husband.
  • I once made a blanket for a child I was a nanny for.
  • I was a summertime nanny for two children plus my own.

  • I get up an hour and a half before my husband each day to get him off to work.
  • I always do without for my child.
  • I always make sure that my husband gets the big piece of chicken at dinner.
  • I cook, although I don’t often feel like it.
  • I take classes that my husband is very enthusiastic about me taking.
  • I make sure my child’s needs come first.
  • I am staying at home instead of working to take care of my son.
  • I am working hard to get my son services for his special needs.
  • I am always able to put my own stuff aside for a friend in crisis.
  • Over the last year, I have put off numerous appointments in order to accommodate my husband’s climb up the career ladder.  I still am.
  • Sometimes, as a result of my husband’s work, I find that I end up being the sole parent for most days.  I rarely ask for anything in return.
  • I lay my husband’s clothes out every morning because he’s colorblind.
  • I have forgone getting a new pair of glasses for two years because it’s not in the budget.
  • Sometimes, I make my medicine stretch just a little longer so that I can see everyone else is taken care of first.
  • I mentioned I help my husband finish his work at home.  I do so unpaid.
  • During Summer Semester 2011, I pushed a little girl around the wheelchair at the zoo.  If you knew the Pittsburgh zoo, then you know it’s very hilly.

  • I have never abandoned someone because they were “too much work”.
  • I put everything I have into my son.
  • One of the reasons we moved to the place we live in now is so we could take care of my husband’s family, all of whom are disabled now.
  • I write prose to my husband.  Sometimes, I stick cute notes in his work laptop.
  • I will do anything to immediately soothe my husband’s panic attacks.
  • I will hold my son for hours when he’s having an emotional day.
  • I am always telling my husband wonderful things about himself.
  • I am not hesitant to be affectionate with my husband, even when he is.

  • I recently passed up a job offer to stay at home with my son.
  • I have not pursued the last four credits of my Bachelors, because the money would come out of pocket.
  • In the summer of 2011, I taught summer semester while having undiagnosed walking pneumonia for over a month.  We needed the money.
  • In 2010, I had to surrender my dog Nikki.  She was too big for the house, setting off Beast’s allergies, and we didn’t have a big enough yard for her.
  • In 2006, I dropped out of college to work.  The man I was with at the time and I had some really wrecked finances.
  • In 2006 and then again in 2009, I took a job in a commercial bakery when I had two different Associate’s Degrees.  I was desperate for work.
  • Becoming a mother is sacrifice in itself.
  • I am holding off on having a second child for my husband’s sake.  I may not be able to have children as I grow older, and I take the risk that the cancer will return.

  • In 2012, I started Sunny with a Chance of Armageddon to help share my experience with others so they might not feel so alone.
  • I regularly give advice to friends and family.
  • Despite our rocky relationship, I counseled my mother while she had difficulty taking care of her own mother.
  • I know that I can only believe none of what I hear and only half of what I see.
  • Get me once, shame on you.  Get me twice, shame on me.
  • I realize that life is what happens when a person is busy making other plans.
  • There are some things that I can help, and there are some things I cannot.  It’s up to me to have the wisdom to determine which is which.  I am pretty good at that at this point.
  • I always remind others that you can’t change people.
  • I find that I always remind others that happiness and health are more important than anything else.  Money and duty sometimes have to take a backseat.

  • In 2008, I took a honeymoon to my favorite beach, Myrtle Beach.
  • Also in 2008, I gave birth to one of my sources of joy, my son, my Beast.
  • Also in 2008, I married the man of my dreams.  My other half, maybe my better half, Xan.
  • My family takes regular long drives through the country.
  • I adopted a kitten in 2011.
  • In 2007, my long time best friend, Xan (my now husband), got into our romantic relationship.  We had a whirlwind romance that ended up with us being married in less than a year.
  • I’ve had five wonderful years with my husband.
  • I have wonderful friends who would do anything for me.
  • I’m now living in the nicest house I’ve ever lived in.
  • I have so much land and I don’t live on a busy street anymore.
  • I’m in the best shape of my life.

  • I will finish my degree one day, and finish higher degrees.
  • I will find a good therapist and get on the right medication.
  • I will combat mental illness, and come out the other side better for it.
  • I will continue to get in shape and stay in shape.
  • I will belt up in Tang Soo Do.
  • I will continue to keep fighting cancer, even if the doctors are sure that it’s gone.
  • I will help my son catch up in his development.
  • I will help my husband be the best father, husband, and employee he can be.
  • I will never give up on myself, my goals, my dreams, and my friends and family.

 

Related articles

Addy's avatarAll that I am, all that I ever was...

Send you negative thoughts to the naughty corner!

So far this week we have looked at what self-esteem is; the value we place on ourselves and how we see ourselves in general, what low self-esteem is; when we as individuals hold deep-seated negative beliefs about ourselves, and how we can work toward improving these beliefs through altering our perceptions of who we are.

First, by focussing on the things that bring us pleasure (rather than pain) and secondly, on how it isn’t narcissistic to love our individual gifts and talents.

Today, we look at our experiences.

As many people who suffer from low-esteem may relate to, I spend a lot of time living in the negative space of my life. All day, every day, I am constantly reminding myself of all the things I have done wrong; of when I let my friends down, of when I…

View original post 1,851 more words

09.28.12
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The Friday Confessional – Carry on My Wayward Son

My son, Beast.  He’s . . . spirited.  I’d love to leave it at that, but this is The Friday Confessional.

I love my boy to pieces.  But, I knew he was going to be a handful long before he was even born into this world.  I had a rather difficult pregnancy.  And he hilariously went silent and still whenever anyone tried to “feel the baby kicking”.  While he was on the inside place, he managed to kick himself to a position where he was constantly ramming his head into my cervix.  He accidentally got his foot stuck in between one of my ribs and struggled wildly to get free.  Once he was free, he did it again for what I can only consider as fun.  People don’t seem to think that fetuses can have emotions or fun.  I know differently from my son.

My son was born with this particular temperament.  He was a lazy and impatient nurser, who refused to nurse and preferred the bottle.  That’s my son.  Obstinate beyond all logic.  When that boy puts his foot down on something, that is the word.  And we clash at every point.

It’s not entirely his fault.  In June 2011, he was diagnosed with Pervasive Development Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified.  In short, that puts him on the higher functioning end of the Autism Spectrum.  I wrote:

I’ve always said that nothing in life prepares you to be a parent like being a parent.  Truly.  In my youth, I’ve helped to raise so many people’s babies and toddlers, but it was nothing like becoming a mother myself.  Sure, I had the care basics down, but that’s not even scratching the surface.

So therefore, nothing can prepare you for a professional telling you there is something wrong with your child.  Not even if you suspect it yourself.

That was over a year ago.

In truth, I’m in denial.

The battle wounds are still fresh from my youth.In those days, I found I was the most comfortable in the tiniest of places, completely unlike today, where confined spaces are cause for the air being vacuumed from my lungs, and my brain to catch fire.  Those were only places I recall being safe; wedged between the sink and the wall, tucked in the back of a closet, curled up in a cabinet under the sink.  Those places were quiet and dark.  The only places I could find serenity and safety.

I remember instances where my hulking brother would hunt me down. Those were my go-to places.  As long as I took refuge when the violent fits started, I had a chance of being safe.  He may have tried hard to swipe at me, but I had the advantage.  I was a small girl who could ball up and disappear from this world.  In those places, I could be safe from brutal, unprovoked attacks.

Out of sight is out of mind.

And out of mind it out of sight.

The injustice perpetrated on me went far beyond that.  That was considered excusable behavior due to my brother’s condition.  I was told things like, “He can’t help himself, but you can.”  I never did anything to purposefully antagonize him.  I feared him.  And when my parents would practically reward his behavior by conceding to his every desire, I hated him.  Even to this day, I still hate him for all of the gifts and attention he siphoned off from me.  I was a model child with straight A’s and glowing reviews from teachers.  He was a terrorizing monster.

When my son was diagnosed in the same spectrum, I was crushed.  Some parents can say they were blindsided by the diagnosis, but I certainly was not.  I saw the signs long before a doctor had to confirm them.  I was just hoping that there was some alternative explanation.  I don’t love him any less.  But, in truth, I see him differently.  Maybe differently than a parent should.

I remember being pregnant.  And I remember having serious talks with the sky boss.  I pleaded, “Please, God.  Please don’t let my son have autism.  I can’t handle that.  I wanted to deny it.  I would tell people how high functioning he is, and how his developmental deficits were not that of a child with autism or aspergers.  When he was denied entry into a regular preschool because they aren’t equipped to handle him, I was crushed again.  My hopes that he was developmentally appropriated were dashed.

The truth is, my son is disabled.  And he needs my help, now.

And here’s the worst part of my confession.  I have a certain amount of resentment for his condition.  I find it difficult to interact with him appropriately.  When he acts out aggressively, I meet him with a certain amount of aggression of my own.  I refuse to be terrorized by my own son, a huge, strong little four year old.  It makes me feel small and scared every day of my life.

There is rare gratification.  Most parents have children that will play with them.  My son tries, but he can’t seem to make it happen.  I watch him struggle with basic things.  I feel like a failure of a parent, because he’s not potty trained and mostly refuses to wear clothing.  I resent him when I am cleaning up bodily fluids he carelessly threw everywhere, like a little animal.  And I hate myself when I liken him to a puppy in my mind.

But, there a moments where he looks me dead in the eye and says things like, “Look Mommy, out the window.  Look, the trees!”  Or, the day that we were outside and he scraped his leg.  He straddled me and we held each other, rocking for awhile.  Then, he grabbed me by my shoulders, held me away to look at me and sang, “I yuv you.  You yuv me!”

There are those rare moments of hope that I hold to.  Even in my darkest hours.

09.27.12
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Everything is (not) Wonderful Now

“I just don’t understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes and tell me everything is wonderful now.” – Everclear – Wonderful

I feel as if I have been robbed of something.  Most of the time, I’m blank with these vague floating emotions.  Sometimes, I can tap into them, but it is more akin to breaking open the Pandora’s box.  These emotions suddenly intensify and flood over me, consuming me like a tsunami.  A thief crept in the window to my mind and stole my translator for emotion to cognition.

I am inclined to speculate as to whether this is just a side effect of losing those internal monologues / dialogues.  On occasion, I catch myself attempting to recreate them, especially in the moments of severe, agonizing distress.  However, there seems to have been some kind of role reversal.  Instead of my dominant persona being confused by multiple personas in my head, those lesser personas being the ones who generated the intrusive thoughts and discord in the chambers of my mind, there remains one persona.  This persona is new.  She’s the therapist.  What do people call it?  Maybe the voice of reason?

Blank slate.  I am seemingly an empty canvas.  I never cared much for empty things, because they require filling.  There are always these second thoughts and doubts; Am I doing it right?  What if I mess up?  It highlights the cracks.  I float around in my life without immediate purpose, without the constant noise that colored my life.

One would think the riddance of such garbage background noise and a wide spectrum of ever fluctuating emotions would be a positive improvement.  There remains this empty container where thoughts and emotion would overflow out of, the tap of which being always open.  The source has dried up, and it seems an IOU is tightly fastened to the bottom without a named perpetrator.

One would suspect that another would be at peace without such distressful experiences such as psychosis.  Instead, I find that I cannot seem to associate myself with this state.  I don’t belong here.  This doesn’t feel right. Something is wrong.  It’s all wrong.

One would think that all of this freedom would be so wonderful.

Everything is not wonderful now.  The tears of mourning still come to my eyes as if I were somehow missing a piece.  Colors seem to be dimmer and the whole world feels washed out.  It is distressing in itself.  The absence of myself.  The crazy, emotional, outrageous, always interesting, talkative woman has become muted, grasping at straws for conversation and content.

Is this what it feels like to be normal?

09.27.12
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Last of the Belated Blog Awards Ceremony

Sisterhood of the Bloggers Award

Here are the Rules:

1. Thank the giver.
2. Post 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and let them know they’ve been nominated.
4. Include the logo of the award in a post or on your blog.
Angel, again, I’d like to thank you for your thoughtful nomination.  I am overjoyed at the invitation to join this sisterhood.  I think it’s so important to have a camaraderie between bloggers, especially female mental health bloggers.  This means so much to me.  Again, thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness in another nomination.

Seven bloggers:

  1. Withering Tulip
  2. Crazy in the Coconut
  3. Stuff She Said
  4. Manic Monday
  5. You Know You’re Borderline When…
  6. Seasons Change, and so Have I
  7. Pride In Madness

 

 

Reader Appreciation Award

I believe this is the last one from Angel!  You have been the biggest self-esteem booster.  And if there’s something I am just a quart low on, it’s confidence in myself.  Thank you for being an inspiration to me, and such a thoughtful and giving person.

Rules

1. Include the award logo somewhere in your blog.–See above.

2. Answer these 10 questions, below, for fun if you want to.–See below.

3. Nominate 10 to 12 blogs you enjoy Or you pick the number.–See below. It seems so many wonderful blogs have already received this award. I’ve picked 8 blogs and tried to choose those who haven’t gotten it yet.

4. Pay the love forward: Provide your nominees’ links in your post and comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been included and invited to participate.–See below.

5. Pay the love back with gratitude and a link to the blogger(s) who nominated you.–See above.

The questions:

1) What is your favorite color?  Blue.  Any natural blue color, especially turquoise.

2) What is your favorite animal?  Many different kinds of birds.  I love owls and parakeets.

3) What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink? Pepsi.  Hands down.

4)  Facebook or Twitter?  Facebook because there’s more to do on it, such play games – same

5)  Favorite pattern? Paisley

6) Do you prefer getting or giving presents? I like giving.  I’m pretty awkward at receiving.

7)  Favorite number?  5 and 1 and any combination containing those two numbers.  When I see those numbers, it means something is significant.

8) Favorite day of the week? Saturday.  It’s the only day of the week where I’m not doing anything at all, with the exception of karate class.  Xan is off, so I have another parent to help me, and we usually do something fun that day.

9) Favorite flower?  Daisies.  The white ones.

10) What is your passion? Blogging, music, writing, journalling, reading, crafting
The nominees:

  1. Hello Sailor
  2. Manic Monday
  3. You Know You’re Borderline When…
  4. Alice at Wonderland
  5. Seasons Change, and so Have I
  6. Withering Tulip
  7. Anxiety Adventures
  8. Views of the Slow Lane

 

One Lovely Blog Award

Mood Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified bestowed this award upon me.  Thank you so much for your nomination!  It was incredibly wonderful!

And now, The Rules:

  1. Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.
  2. Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
  3. Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
  4. Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them

Number 2: seven unknown things about me.

  1. Up until last Friday Confessional, my first kiss was from a girl.
  2. So was my first relationship.
  3. My schoolgirl boyfriend had cancer and was out of school for a year.  I stayed with him in that relationship.  When he got back to school, he dumped me on my birthday so he could ask another girl out.  She turned him down.  Ha ha.
  4. I attempted to have my father arrested once.  That’s another Confessional Friday.
  5. I have a brother with moderate autism.
  6. Sometimes, I talk about a sister.  My sister isn’t my biological sister.  She’s actually my third cousin.  But, we grew up in the same household, so it was like having a part-time sister.
  7. I am clautrophobic

I nominate everyone reading this right now.  You may take this, because if you are reading it, then you are a lovely person with a lovely blog.

 

TMI Blog Award

Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars suggested me for nomination.  I guess sometimes I do get a little personal.  Thanks for thinking of me!

 

This one doesn’t really have any rules.  So feel free and snatch this for your blog too!

09.27.12
by

A Different Kind of Spiritual : 30 Days of Truth

Day 19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Again, two hot button topics.  And again, I am far less than inclined to share my personal opinions on one of these subjects.  However, I do think it is important for a person to explore their own spirituality and maybe get ideas from another when they are unsure of their own beliefs.  Not to say that I intend on cramming my own spirituality down a reader’s throat.  Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs.

Therefore, I am entitled to my own, and under the First Amendment, I am guaranteed the right to express these beliefs.  I’d like to preface this post with the following.  I have disabled the comments, because of the sensitive nature of this post.  I highly discourage flame wars and refuse to provide a forum for them to happen.  I would rather remove the temptation than have to mediate later, once the damage is already done.

I do not expect anyone to be on the same bandwagon.  I have some unusual beliefs that come from a mixture of an Episcopalian upbringing, a self-proclaimed spiritual parent, and living amongst the Jewish people in their community for certain durations of time.  If you have any comments, questions, or concerns, please address me directly at lulu.em.stark@gmail.com.  I will be happy to engage a person in a private conversation on this matter.

With that said, I will begin the exploration of my spirituality.

I will state this up front, so there is no confusion later on.  I am far beyond disenchanted with organized religion.  I do not believe in religion, and I feel that it has done more harm than good in the world.  We have seen holy wars since the beginning of time, no matter what people would like to term them these days.  Many people have been forced from their homes.  Others have been sentenced to painful deaths and were cast out into exile for what they believed in.  All over differences of opinion on religion.

This is where everyone is going to get riled up.  I do not believe that Jesus ever existed.  I believe that Christianity was an idea that was concocted by the Romans for social control.  They had a population that had a monotheistic religion and another with a polytheistic religion, the latter dying out.  It was an attempt to get everyone on the same page.  Essentially, the Romans wanted to put a code of conduct out there and make it profitable.  And that they did.

There is no historical record of Jesus.  There were many historians living in the Mesopotamian area at the supposed time of Jesus’ life and death, and no one recorded a man who could perform spectacular miracles.  There may be tomb markers, but many people were entombed as part of commonplace burial ritual.  Jesus was an extremely popular name at the time.  There would be no possible way to find him on a registry, as all of those names were rather common.  Hence the suffixes, John the Baptist, etc.

I can say this with confidence, not because I am ignorant of Christianity, but because I am well educated.   I am baptized and confirmed Episcopalian.  I had perfect attendance in Sunday school for nine years running.  I started teaching the courses myself when I came of age.  I have read the Bible cover to cover.  And I find that so many of the rules are antiquated and just plain common sense. Wash your hands before eating?  Of course.  Don’t sleep with your brother’s wife?  Of course not!!!

I suspect that my subscription rate will plummet after this.

With all of that being said, I’ll continue with my own ideas of spirituality.  First, I prefer terms like spirituality and higher power in reference, because they are broader scope, less offensive, and do not indicate that I am a member of any religion.  I am not religious.  I am spiritual.

The universe is all made up of the higher power’s energy.  Energy and matter can never be created, nor destroyed.  That means that all of the things that exist today have existed in one form or another since before the beginning of time (because you know time is a human construct).  It was at the beginning of space.  If this is true, then that means that we’re all a part of each other.  That is true too.  We are all one in the same, from the amoeba to the complex human and beyond to planets, places, and beings we don’t even know exist.

We are all born with temperaments, and that’s all.  As for the rest of it, we are blank slates.  No being is inherently good or evil.  There is no black and white in those terms.  Which means that the higher power is not entirely benevolent, nor is the lower power.  They are opposing powers, as described, but they are not God and Satan as depicted.  They are one in the same, two sides of the same coin.  But, it remains the same coin.

We can take notes of our own morality from basic religion.  I do have a belief that all religions are really worshiping the same higher power, and generally all of the same moral guidelines.  However, it’s not as cut and dry as they would have you believe.  You will not be condemned to hell for failing to wash properly, although you might get an infection.  Some of those rules were made for practicality sake.  Cleanlinesss is next to Godliness, just means that we don’t want you getting sick and getting the rest of us sick with your epidemic.

As for other things that are outdated, I feel as if premarital sex is outdated.  In the days of old, the reason a woman did not engage in premarital sex was for lack of birth control and Maury Povich and paternity tests.  In those days, women relied on men to be their breadwinners and protectors.  A man is not biologically inclined to take care of a child that is not is, nor was he burdened by the responsibility that society would place on him.  Therefore, a woman would be left to do so herself.  But, in those days, women couldn’t work and take care of children at the same time.  The last thing villages needed was a whole family of fatherless children, relying on the resources of others to care for them.

Here are the things that are not dated.  The Golden Rule is the first and foremost guide for a moral compass.  If you don’t want it done to you, then refrain from perpetrating the offense onto another.  Period.  It really is that easy.  We all know that hitting hurts, robbing another is unfair and sometimes devastating, and taking another life away from someone else and their family is beyond devastating.  We all mourn the loss of those that we love.  Why would someone take something that isn’t theirs, only to destroy it for themselves and everyone else?

My belief in the process of death is rather unusual, because it borrows from several cultures.  There is no such thing as redemption at death.  One is judged by their actions or inaction,  positive and negative, the quality of their life and spirituality, and it is weighed out.  Only, the judge is not the higher power.  The judge is you.  There is no immediate heaven, or immediate hell.  We have souls that are always learning.  To be enlightened is to have a soul that is wise and open to education.  That is our point to any life that we lead.  We are here for a purpose, for a lesson.

Do you ever see themes occurring in your life?  Those themes are meant to teach you something.  It is your life’s lesson.  Without enlightenment to your life’s lesson and experiencing all of the fulfilling experiences meant for you as a part of the nature of your being (whether it’s animal, human, etc), then your soul does not get to move on to the next life.  You will repeat the lesson and the life until you have reached full enlightenment.  It is at that point that a being is allowed to choose what they would like to do with their eternity.

09.26.12
by

More of the Belated Blog Awards Ceremony

The Versitile Blogger Award

I’d like to thank Angel at The Mirth of Despair for this award.  It was extremely thoughtful of her to gift me with this.

As per the rules, I am required to share seven facts about myself.  So, here are seven randomly chosen facts:

  1. I am currently using The Hunger Games Soundtrack as my backdrop for writing.  I write better when I’m listening to music, but it has to fit the mood.  I think The Hunger Games is all around inspirational.
  2. I am currently in love with the following song:

  3. On a more serious note, I wage a war against alcoholism. I have talked about it briefly, but it’s actually very real, daily battle.
  4. I actually have two different colored eyes.  One is a blue / grey and the other is a green/ gold.  It’s hardly noticeable.
  5. I have a son with Pervasive Development Disorder – Not Otherwise Specified.
  6. Some of you are newer and unaware of the unique relationship I have with my husband, Xan.  Xan and I were actually very good friends for five years prior to being romantic.  If I had advice for anyone single, it would be this.  Marry your best friend.  Because when the romance melts away, you still have a solid friendship to lean on.
  7. I have never been very good at being single.  And I’ve usually avoided it as most costs.  Nothing scares me more than having to be alone with myself.

My Nominations:

  1. Someone Fat Happened
  2. A Clown on Fire
  3. Laments and Lullabies
  4. Alice at Wonderland
  5. Finding Finn

 

Outstanding Blogger Award

Again, I’d like to thank Angel for nominating me for this lovely award.  It is a huge deal to me and means the world.  I appreciate all of your awards and sentiments.

Per the rules, I have to share one important thing about myself:

I am naive, jealous, and terribly insecure.  I just want to put that soft, vulnerable side out there for people to see.  I know it’s not always evident, but there is so much storm going on beneath this surface.

And then there’s the business of nominations:

  1. Manic Monday
  2. Mental Health Writer’s Guild
  3. Seasons Change, and so Have I
  4. …But She’s Crazy
  5. Struggling with BPD
  6. Angel’s Blog

 

Thanks for Writing

Angel has been entirely too generous over the last year when giving awards.  Honestly, I don’t know if I’m so deserving, but I appreciate every last award.  Especially this one.  This award makes me feel as if my writing is worthwhile, like it means something to my audience.  Sometimes, I really do have to wonder.  I mean, in those dark moments where I torment myself with my stats.

This is really the ray of sunshine in my day.  Thank you for this award, however long ago it was given.  I appreciated it then, and I hope that it still stands today.

09.26.12
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Gay Marital Status : 30 Days of Truth

Day 18 : Your views on gay marriage.

I am not typically one to discuss controversial topics on my blog.  Politics and religion are two subjects that I have some pretty convoluted and alternative philosophies on.  So, as a rule of thumb, I am inclined to exclude these from any social agenda that I may have.

However, I am prompted.  Therefore, I must preface this with a few things.  Comments on this particular post will be closed, not as a result of a discouragement of sharing opinion, but as a precautionary measure.  I appreciate all of the feedback I get from an audience, however, I am not interested in allowing a flame war on my blog.  If anyone is interested in an adult discussion, I am willing to do so in private.  You may email me at lulu.em.stark@gmail.com and I will screen responses appropriately.

Additionally, realize that my views are only opinions.  They are, in no way, meant to be construed as offensive or bias.  If you believe that you may find the following material offensive, please consider skipping this installment of The 30 Days of Truth : Sunny with a Chance of Armageddon.

With that said:  Lulu’s Views on Gay Marriage.

Quite honestly, gay marriage is really none of my business.  I realize that it’s my civic duty as an American citizen to fight for the causes of others, and believe me, I do.  However, this is a subject that I shy away from.  I am not gay.  Although I have fallen in love with a girl once, I do not believe I would have ever considered marrying her.  I have a history of experimentation with members of the same gender, however, I am not generally attracted or romantically interested.  Therefore, I have proven I am not gay, therefore gay marriage is not on my list of crusades.

However, if I were to be coerced into taking up a social issue beyond my own scope, I suppose gay marriage would be on the agenda.  I believe that every American should be free to make their own choices.  We do live in America, one of the freest countries in the world.  We have made so much progress in human rights and freedoms.  We are guaranteed equality.  Anyone is permitted to legally join with another person of the opposite gender.  Why do we have to limit it to opposing genders?

Now, being from an Episcopalian background, I do have one objection to gay marriage.  I believe in marriage as a ritual between man and woman in front of our higher power.  Marriage is not just a legal union between two opposite gendered entities.  It’s a spiritual thing.  Now, while I believe that homosexual folks should be entitled to the same rights under the higher power, I also believe that a distinction should be made.

The distinction is the same as the distinction between a heterosexual relationship and a homosexual relationship.  Gay and straight are necessary terms to describe the nature of a relationship, just as married and single.  It is important to define relationships in terms of our higher power and our legal status.  Marriage implies that the union occurs between a man and a woman.  Therefore, a different terminology should be used.

I do not mind any terminology that can be synonymous with marriage.  Union sounds nice.  Matrimony, minus the holy part is good for any kind of wedding.  Wedded, and anything else, seem to fit nicely.  Any combination of those would be effective.  I actually find it rather offensive to call it “gay marriage”, just because of the terminological distinction.  However, this is not my decision to make.  Again, I am not gay.  I don’t know what is offensive in the gay community, therefore I avoid the topic altogether.  I think the rest of the public would probably be okay with homosexual unions if they were called something other than “gay marriage”.  It’s possible that it offends much of the religious population.

That’s just my opinion.  If anyone has anything to add, I would be glad to hear it.  However, no flame mail or hate mail.  I’d like to clarify that I support any consenting union between two adult parties that are not adulterous or incestuous in nature.

Thank you.

09.26.12
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Exercises to Build Self Esteem: #2. Love your talents and gifts

My singing voice.

My ability to articulate emotions.

My writing.

The way that I think (mostly).

The way I don’t do anything half-baked.

My motivation.

The way that I love.

All of the love I have to give.

All of the empathy I have for my fellow humans.

How I am able to pick up on people’s personalities.

My education in psychology.

The relationships I’m able to build, even if I have difficulty sustaining them.

My eyes.  They’re pretty.

My fashion taste.  I like pretty things.

All of my crafts and the pride it gives to me.

How I am a survivor, above all else.

My intellect.

Sometimes, my faulty logic!

My enthusiasm.

My passion.

My ability to willingly and lovingly play a support role in the lives of others.

My fierce loyalty to friends and family.

My forgetfulness.  It’s hard to hold a grudge that way.

My creativity.

My resolve.

My focus.

The way I’m able to be introspective.

My open-mindedness.

My chest.  I mean, come on now!

How I have the tendency to be honest to the point of bluntness.

How I am not able to lie.

My drive to keep going.

And my openness to exercises like this.

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Addy's avatarAll that I am, all that I ever was...

Narcissism vs Gratitude

Since beginning this blog in 2007 I’ve spoken frequently of the importance of loving ourselves.

When I wrote this post I was worried it would make me look like a narcissist. When I recently reposted it as part of the Voice of the Past series this same fear of being viewed as arrogant and self-absorbed returned; resulting in several arguments with myself over whether I should post it, and after I did, whether I should remove it. To this day I still think it makes me look self-important, vain and narcissistic.

But does it? Aren’t those fears yet another example of the negative way I view myself?

If we do not love ourselves, we cannot expect other people to love us; and if we don’t believe in ourselves, then how can we expect anyone else to believe in us?

Learning to love yourself is not an…

View original post 969 more words

09.25.12
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Receivers : 30 Days of Truth

Day 17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

When I was thirteen, I was shipped off to Christian camp.  I can’t complain, because it wasn’t really a bunch of bible beating and talk of fire and brimstone.  If anything, it was sleeping under a huge tree all day outside of my cabin.  No, I’m not much for sports, honestly.

But, there was one tradition we did carry from year to year.  Our cabin leader, an older teenager, would pick one story to read.  She would read for either a half an hour, or through one chapter.  The book that she chose that year was “The Giver”.

We never did finish the book at camp.  But, I remember that was the first thing I did when I got home.  I had to see if he made it to the city.  I had to know the ending.  For the first time in my young life, I was actually eager to finish a book.  It touched something in me that no other book could.

“The Giver” opened my young eyes to the bigger, badder world that existed around all around me.  It completely shattered all naïve notions that kept my protective bubble intact.  We did not live in a world where people really looked out for each other.  It was really every man for himself, and a battle for control.  Most of us live in that protective bubble, never to open our eyes to the truths around us.  How could this be?

Today, in the Western world, we are free.  But, there may come a day where we are not.  But, in a way, how free are we?  Sure, we are not deprived of our sense of the world around us, or denied our sexuality.  But, the people living in that society didn’t know any better.  Only The Giver and The Receiver knew better.  What if our world is like this?  What if I see only the things I’m conditioned to see?

What if our entire lives are sketched out in the design of a bigger game by another entity (not meaning God)?  We’re all pawns in the greater scope of things.  Control is an illusion given to us to make us believe that we really are free to live our own lives and makes our own choices.  When we look at the capitalistic machine we live in, how free are we?

Honestly, how free are we?  Do we know all of the evil underlying truths?  Can we even conceptualize the extent of how trapped we are in our lives?  There is no dropping everything and going our own directions.  We are on the assembly line, manufactured for a purpose – just a purpose that we get to choose.  And even then, not so much.

We are born into the lives that we are designed to live, and not lead.  Typically, if a person is born into poverty, they will remain in poverty, or maybe just a tiny bit better.  The illusion of choice and opportunity exists, hanging above our heads, just out of our grasp.  And somehow, we rationalize why we don’t have those things and others do.  The point is, they are afforded to some and not to others by the choice of someone else.

We are always reliant on the choices of someone else, eventually leading up to a handful of people controlling the purse strings with power and money.  Corruption, greed, domination, we all become sheep.  Some of us are sheered, and others are slaughtered.  We don’t know any other life.

But one day, like The Receiver, we will be able to open our eyes and make a break for it.  We’ll step out of society, standing up and announcing our individuality.  And we’ll depart from these meaningless, mundane lives forever.

09.25.12
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Belated Blog Awards Ceremony

Today, I’d like to take the time and properly accept all of the awards that were bestowed upon me while I was writing Pendulum.  It was a lovely thing for all of these bloggers to do, and I have yet to take the time to thank them appropriately.

One Lovely Blog Award

Bipolarmuse nominated me for this one.  The rules are as follows:

1.Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.
2.Pass the award to other newly discovered blogs.
3.Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

  2. Withering Tulip
  3. Crazy in the Coconut
  4. Stuff She Said
  5. An Incidental Life
  6. bRaving Bipolar

Sunshine Award

Again, I was nominated by the lovely and wonderful Bipolarmuse.

The Sunshine Award, like all other rewards, has some rules:

  • Include the award’s logo in a post or on your blog
  • Answer 10 questions about yourself
  • Nominate 10-12 other fabulous bloggers
  • Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blogs, letting them know they have been nominated
  • Share the love and link the person who nominated you.

TEN QUESTIONS

  1. Favorite color: Blues.  All kinds of blues.  Especially turquoise.
  2. Favorite animal: Owl.  Wise and a night animal.  Maybe the nocturnal part is right about me…
  3. Favorite number: 51.  Or 15.  Any combination of 5 and 1.  It’s a sign to me.  Whenever I see it, I know I’m on the right track.
  4. Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Coffee or Pepsi
  5. Prefer Facebook or Twitter? Both
  6. My passion: Helping others, my son, my husband, psychology, and music
  7. Prefer getting or giving presents:  Giving.  I’m very awkward at receiving.
  8. Favorite pattern: Paisley
  9. Favorite day of the week: Saturday, ruled by the planet Saturn, Cassiel as a patron saint.
  10. Favorite flower: Daisies

My nominations:

  1. You Know You’re Borderline When…
  2. Anxiety Adventures
  3. Struggling with BPD
  4. Manic Monday
  5. Christian Concern for Mental Health
  6. Slightly Manic Mummy
  7. If You Actually Knew Me
  8. Finding Finn
  9. Seasons Change, and so Have I
  10. Many of Us

Inspiring Blog Award

Kevin, from Voices of Glass, was kind enough to gift me this award.

Rules:

First, nominate 7 other blogs to receive this award

Second, write 7 personal things you wouldn’t normally say on your blog

Nominees!

  1. Manic Monday
  2. Views of the Slow Lane
  3. Seasons Change, and so Have I
  4. BPmom
  5. Pride In Madness
  6. Mood Swings, Mania, and other scary adventures
  7. Angel’s Blog

Seven Truths

  1. I have nervous habits that I don’t really talk about.  One of those habits is picking at any sores, pimples, blisters, calluses. etc that I may have on my body or face.  I always kind of do it, but when I’m under a lot of stress, it’s the worst.  I’ve been known to cut my toenails down to the point of bleeding.
  2. I smoke.  A lot.  I know I’ve mentioned alcohol as being one of my vices, but so are cigarettes.  I’ve never considered myself to be one of those people with an addictive personality, but I believe I stand corrected.  I wouldn’t normally admit that.
  3. Sometimes, I’ll drink entirely too much coffee, just to have a little hypomanic fit.  Usually, I just end up giving myself that crawling-under-your-skin, bursting feeling that comes with caffeine overdose, instead.
  4. This might actually make everyone who ever lived angry with me.  I am not a Tim Burton fan.  Not in the least.
  5. In addition, I really disliked Star Wars.
  6. My son likes to pee on his floor, instead of going in the toilet.  So, instead of mopping up at each instance, we have what is designated as “the pee towel”.  I mop every few days.  Kind of gross, I know.
  7. I have a gigantic mirror in my basement.  Not for vanity sake, although it is great to check myself out in to see how I look in an outfit.  It’s actually for me to practice my Tang Soo Do forms.

Very Inspiring Blog Award

I’d like to thank Manic Monday for this wonderful award.

Like all the other awards, there’s a few rules: thank the person who nominated you, nominate seven others, and provide seven facts about yourself.

7 nominations:

  1. Slightly Manic Mummy
  2. Crazy in the Coconut
  3. Seasons Change, and so Have I
  4. Anxiety Adventures
  5. Bipolar Blogging
  6. Infinite Sadness or Hope
  7. Bipolar Beach

7 Factoids:

  1. For Monday:  I’ve had bifocals since I was 12, but I don’t wear them because they’re too expensive.  I’d rather just hold something far away from my face.
  2. I wear contacts.  I wear them constantly.  I am that vain, yes.  But also, I love waking up in the morning and not having to fiddle with glasses or contacts.
  3. My hair is bleach blonde, but it is actually a natural dark blonde.
  4. I don’t like having long fingernails.  It’s just another thing to pick at.  I mean, I don’t bite my nails or anything.  I just bite the skin around the nails.  Ewww.
  5. I desperately want to start making “green arts and crafts”, but I don’t know where to start.
  6. I almost never throw clothing in the garbage.  I either recycle it into something else, or I donate.  I like to donate.
  7. I am extremely superstitious.  I mean, to the point of getting epic anxiety when someone violates a superstition.
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