I find that I’m sifting through every corner and combing every shelf. Typically, this is how the search for my marbles goes. I have a bulging pouch, a testament to my . . . (I cannot find the word. This is aphasia at it’s finest.) To my bounty of sanity that I contain. No, instead, I am frantically . . . hunting for my inspiration.
Is this dry spell the direct result of my lack of “a certain something”? Certainly. Am I what I would consider sane and stable? Certainly not. I am muted and docile. No gusto. No fire.
No original thoughts of my own, apparently.
There is a certain amount of pressure mounting the a point of bursting. Unfortunately, I cannot seem to even see my own hand in front of my face. That is how lacking in vision and perspective I am. I am unaware if this . . . tension is a dam walling the roaring waters of content. Silently, I pray it is.
Instead, I feel this tightness in my psyche so strongly it becomes somatic. What lies beneath, within? What could possibly be of such importance that it has created a friction that produces no heat? In all honesty, what could I possibly say about anything? There is a complete absence of thought. It has all become a runny stew, too brothy to hold the meat and potatoes intact.
Brain Goop Soup.
. . .
And more nothingness. Annoyingly silent, echos of almost, faintly mocking me in nondescript whispers.
. . .
I suppose that sometimes, a disconnect develops. This disconnect . . . well, it is just as indescribable and inexplicable as the nonsense prior. I find the disjointed nature of these thoughts to be the severing of one underdeveloped conscious thought to the next. Reality has become too real, and I have become evicted from my own headspace. Expelled into the real world, where time is near frozen. Days are detached entities, and moments have no . . . a lack of continuity.
I have found that this is the polar opposite of psychosis. This is the state of antipsychosis, where reality is overly dominant, and abstract thought . . . is a concept in which I have to make a concerted effort. Never before in my life have I been so uninspired, so dried up. My home was in my head, a comfy nest in which I resided. Where do I make a home in reality?
My bullshit radar is going off.
I find the discovery that instead of tapping into something original, I am going through the motions.
I am needy.
Extroversion has become a monster that requires feeding. I cannot find the willpower to stop myself from desperately searching outside myself for intellectual stimulation, self-affirmation, and creativity. I do so with the intent to stir my own soup, but I instead crumple that little page of notebook in my mind and immediately discard. Irrelevant, my brain determines. It does not sustain my basic needs. It is superfluous.
Just pet me and tell me that I’m wonderful.
Not because I need the validation. I have enough evidence to convince myself of that truth. (Mania, maybe?) It just feels nice to be acknowledged in the real world. Because in the real world, I feel as if I am a wandering, translucent ghost. Are you listening? Can you see me? Do my words count for anything?
Is there something wrong?
Is the theory of antipsychosis actually a manifestation of psychosis? Are my ideas of eviction from my brain, but an absence of presence in reality a problem? It is not distressing. Okay, I find a tiny drop of distress, only at the idea that I may never have another unique idea again. That this blankness, this . . . blockage will be my doomed fate.
Is my intense desire to be thought of actually neediness? It is a tad distressing. It is watered down. I can live with it. I find extreme boredom in everything. Worse, I find myself to be the most boring of all. I have not once before experience such severe boredom.
How do I reach out and make a connection when I have nothing funny, witty, inspiring, or provocative to say?