Bipolar disorder has a way of distorting perceptions that color the world in the mood of the moment. It might be an inconvenient truth during most times, but in mania, I can say that I sometimes find it truly fun and interesting.
Mania is like a teen girl that preys on my unstable sense of self and often convinces me that those half-truths are a strong reality. In dysphoric mania or, as some clinicians think, a mixed state, those whispers can come in the form of intrusive thoughts. However, in hypomania and euphoric mania, they come in sweet whispers of steroids for self-esteem. They term that “delusions of grandeur”.
I feel like that might be an overkill kind of term for what I typically experience in milder manias, or even hypomanias. Typically, I have enough litigation between my id and ego to come to some kind of realistic compromise between the two competing truths in my mind – “I am not particularly special,” and “I am completely unique.” That’s just a stock version of the battle that rages in there sometimes.
I am led to believe that everyone has a special ability, kind of like a super power but without the super part. However, that might just be the fluttering eye lashes and sincerity in the voice of that lovely young miss who smiles sweetly at me. But, seriously, everyone has a unique ability that only a small population might possess.
Perhaps a person was born with it. For me, the sixth sense is my unnatural empathy. I can literally feel emotional vibrations from others. I have termed this ability the state of being an “Empath”, after the Star Trek race of half-Betazoids. Of course, once I Googled that term, it seems I’m not the only one that came up with that, and it’s unlikely that they derived it from the same origin. Others might be able to accurately predict weather with the (super) power to sense slight variations in temperature, barometric pressure, and humidity. I find that I can only smell rain and feel the magnetic field shift ever so slightly. Some might even be clairvoyant or even psychic. That is one (super) power I can honestly say that I have never thought to possess.
Others might be able to develop it. Personally, I developed the skill to see lies. Thanks to the show Lie to Me, based on the work of Paul Ekman, I practiced the art of recognizing and reading microexpressions. In addition, I studied Psychology in college with an emphasis in Applied Behavioral Analysis. In essence, I’m a behaviorist. All of those combined allow me to see right through a person. An ill delivered phrase, combined with a microexpression opposing their forced expression, and the nature state of being an Empath, deliver all I need to know about a person. Unfortunately, it’s most effective when I’m having face time. That is why I have a certain preference.
In addition, I developed the skill of deciphering a natal astrology chart. All I need to know are the positions of the planets when a person was born, and I can translate that into a full personality workup. I have the ability to tell people things about themselves that they were unaware even existed until they do a bit of introspection. I’ll do my own short version workup for a bit of proof.
I like to appear put together and in control. I may have ego issues and I take criticism very personally. I am likely to be passive-aggressive with acquaintances and have a tendency to shoot verbal arrows in the attempt to start an argument.
I have a need to look unassuming. I want to appear practical, methodical, and quiet. To acquaintances, I seem shy and set about my business. I want to keep things clean and orderly. I am the least likely to initiate confrontation, and I attempt to dodge blame whenever possible. Owning up to my superficial mistakes is difficult.
Life has to be a beautiful experience. I am prone to surrounding myself with beautiful objects and people. Drama-prone, difficult, close-minded people are not welcome, because they do not promote harmonious friendships. However, there is a strong need for partnerships, romantic and otherwise. I have always had a lifetime goal of finding “The One”.
I am often free with my emotions and I feel strongly. However, I am always concerned with a balance of emotions and equality in relationships. Flaws present easily, and I am always prone to attempt to “fix” things, and especially people.
It is in my nature to be overly ambitious and practical. However, I am not too practical to the point of extreme sacrifice. I have a taste for finer things, but am less likely to indulge, though it will likely happen. I like worldly goods, and might have a tendency toward hoarding.
I feel as if I need to be useful and purposeful in my life. My life has to make a difference in others, and tangible results are the only way for me to feel successful.
I have trust issues, especially after betrayals. I have difficulty letting things go.
All communication is practical and purposeful. Information that does not serve a purpose cannot be compartmentalized or connected to anything useful is often discarded without thinking. I am always eager to go after independent study, and get defensive when someone attempts to teach me something in a domain I was sure that I was highly skilled in.
I have a warm heart and a soft spot for people in need, making me naturally good with children and animals. I am naturally sensitive and am high maintenance in a relationship. I can be a bit selfish in my friendships and romance. I often trust my heart in relationships rather than being practical about it. I have a need for dreamy moments and have a tendency toward idealizing people and situations.
I don’t like to fight. I avoid confrontation. If confrontation happens, though, I can have a bad temper. Sometimes, it is irrational anger and misdirected. I am prone to feelings of shame and guilt. I have difficulty regulating emotions and maintaining relationships as a result. I want everything to be perfect, simple, and nice. I want all of my relationships to have a dream-like, supernaturally close kind of quality to them.
I have a tendency toward manipulation, though I am not apt to actually want to hurt anyone. However, I have a strong sense of want, and can be kind of selfish. I am never really sure what I want, and I shift constantly between extremes.
I have to work for good fortune. It doesn’t just come to me. However, with time and effort, I can usually see good results. I have high integrity. I am ethical and professional. In addition, I am urged to be responsible and organized. I am at my happiest when my world is neat and orderly and trouble free.
However, I am easily annoyed by little misfortunes and mishaps that could have been avoided.
I am generally secretive, and not always purposefully. I am not always straightforward, and I feel a need to have a rich internal life that I can reside in at will. I do not lend my trust easily, and I do not forgive easily when someone has burned me.
I have a need to control my life and situations around me. When this is not possible, I am prone to retreating into that internal world where I rule. Unfortunately, that means retreating from the external world.
I do not like failure, and I will run from it every single time. That is usually how many of my projects go unfinished, because I was overly ambitious and ran at the hint of failure.
I will be happy to do anyone’s full natal chart if they are interested. Just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
So, I’ve divulged all of my (super) powers. They might be delusions, but they are mine. What are your powers?
- What is Dysphoric Mania? The Alleged Mental Illness of James Holmes (goodmenproject.com)
- Empaths (warriorpoetwisdom.com)
- Astrology NOW with Nancy J: “Why does life seem so intense lately?” (trust-the-voice-within.com)
- Detecting Liars @ Work (psychologytoday.com)