Staring out the bus window into the grey oblivion, the words slid right down the slate of my mind, and were carried away by the light breeze. It’s not an uncommon occurrence. Many other times I will myself to think of him, it is as if he’s become a ghost, who haunts at the most unfortunate moments.
That’s why there are journal entries for these moments. This was the first in the trinity, the one prior to Possibility and Ascension. It was started and completed in the same week, nearly a year after the relationship ended.
The last days of that relationship are blurry; my memories are obscured by the drugs and alcohol intoxicating my mind. The days blended together in a ritualistic, self-medicated loop, work.drink.sleep.work.drink.sleep.sleep.drink.sleep… suspended in agonizing slow motion. The silence was deafening in the deep, dark hours of night, still, cold, indifferent. We were two strangers, caged together with a thick glass section between us. I glanced across the DMZ, through ripples space and time itself, eager and desperate to eradicate the great divide. But even if I could manage to successfully navigate the minefield, a feat I had attempted in vain when feeling particularly masochistic despite the optimistic spin I put on it, I would be greeted by a stranger. Or rather an animal, for he had regressed into a rather primitive state. This animal was vicious and feral, seemingly ripped from the wild and unsuccessfully domesticated.
My realizations were like awaking from a coma. How much time had passed? Who are you? Where am I? Is this real? – each more dizzying than the coma itself. Awakening is clarity, but the clearer things became, the more confusing the reality. The chambers of my mind grew to accommodate my expanding thoughts but created a warehouse echo. I spoke, my voice reverberated off the crumbling walls and returned with a different sound altogether. Perhaps, instead it was an accurate reflection but one can never recognize oneself in a room of distortion.
So perhaps my lover had been a stranger all along, reflected through hopes and dreams to create a lovely distortion. They certainly aren’t all hideous, like mirrors that make one look tall and slender. Had that been entirely truth, how long had he been a projection of my mind’s eye onto the screen that set the stage for our drama? I looked into the rabbit hole and tumbled down, spiraling out of control. How can one count time based on a relative measure?
I searched farther, grasping for answers as if they were my life raft in the black waters of time. Our relationship started with sparks and flares… – Were they real like fourth of July fireworks? Or instead were they the result of strong hallucinogenics resulting from intense desire to feel something? More dialogue and script flowed through the undertow, sucking me into the dark abyss.
You know how when someone says ‘I love you’, you feel obligated to reciprocate?
I’ve always meant it with you.
My heart swelled with infection while it festered away every inch that loved him with each tides push and pull. It was abundantly clear that his performance was increasingly scripted, as I deviated with my improvisation. Obsessively, I went farther, feverishly searching, scanning, hoping that there would be salvage, or better even, treasure.
Heaven knows that I love you, I love you today.
Today, that day, the only day that might as well had even existed in three years. I felt it in my soul, the answers becoming closer sending off the flares and sparks I had been trying to rekindle, leading me in my personal night. Yet on closer inspection, they certainly differentiated from the ones in my memory. Instead, they appeared to be a blazing inferno on the shoreline. I clawed the beach, pulling myself in for survival, for myself, for my sanity and found the treasure I’d been seeking.
Fool’s gold. The beautiful scenery warped into something more sinister. Twisted, charred, black… a glorious fire to commemorate something that never was.
It reminded me of the last string I pulled in the tapestry of our relationship. My hair was ruby colored in the dull late autumn sun, surrounded by the grey scenery of the city. We were bound for better. He was up but I was coming down. A lovely romance played out in my head, on panes of fragile glass. We were vines twisting together up a lattice in vivid green, in a dream. He deviated, but my vision was obstructed. I felt the support let loose, my vine withered and my fruit shriveled. He vaguely explained and my vision returned to expose his transgression occurring. Struck with immobilizing poison, I watched like an invalid. And when I came to, I was convinced it was a dream.
Smoke and mirrors, smoke and mirrors, I fell in love with the demon trickster himself. A year and a half passed since the incident and all was voluntarily revealed. The force pushed me outside myself, forced once again to watch this great tragedy unfold repeatedly. Play.stop.rewind.play.
Just say yes, you little masochist.
Addictions leave you little choice.
Help me tighten these chains. Is that my voice? My mind screamed to be released, for me to take the free ticket to ride and go. But my heart without it’s limbs could not be freed from it’s vice.
The pleasant memories melted into the form of nightmares. There was a double edged sword, turning the pleasurable jabs into horrific stabs. My monologue’s narrator was raspy and exhausted. Playful smiles turned to sinister grins just as loving chuckles morphed into maniacal laughter. The blaze pushed forward, engulfing everything in sight. It seared my flesh, leaving nothing but brittle bone.
Release me, for the love of god!!
It was morning following the apocalypse. The war had been lost and I stood amongst it’s remains. To my surprise, I was intact despite everything. A wave of sorrow welled up inside me but nothing came. I had finally been released but not by my captor. He stood beside me, my caretaker, strong and silent like an angel.
I have always been beside you. That wasn’t quite the truth, I was sure. He had misspoke and instead meant, I have always been inside you… I felt those words resonating inside my soul which echoed it in perfect clarity. This could only be made possible if they had the same dimensions… making them identical. Twin souls! It made perfect sense as the pieces seamlessly clicked together. Only could twins never truly lose one another. They were the only two that see each other through the deepest pits of hell and come out seemingly unscathed.
We were whole. From the moment we met one another, five long years ago, we were whole. And now we had the opportunity to experience it in our own realities..
- Love the Way You Lie : 30 Days of Truth (sunnywithachanceofarmageddon.wordpress.com)
- First Love (christianongtangco.com)
- I Don’t Need a Fairytale, Just Give Me Happy After (diaryofafairytale.wordpress.com)
- Marriage (indiaalexandraworld.wordpress.com)
- CONFESSIONS of a MASOCHIST (Mar, 1964) (modernmechanix.com)