20 Day Challenge – Day 6

15 Things I Like to Do

1. Read.  I’m an avid reader.  My secret, guilty pleasure is these teen pop novels, like The Hunger Games.  Which, by the way, I don’t think should be a teen novel.  It is pretty graphic.  Although, I think if the series was for adults, it would have been spectacular.
2. Write.  I’m always writing something.  If I’m not blogging, then I’m journaling.  Sometimes, I’ll write fan fiction for the hell of it.  Currently, I’m working on a Hunger Games fan fiction.
3. Watching Netflix.  I’m not big on TV, but I do like to watch Netflix.  It’s great.  I watch whatever I want, whenever I want.  Okay, when the boys aren’t around.  My guilty pleasure right now is Scrubs.  Yes, I’ve watched through the entire series once, and I have to say, I was not into Season 7 or 8.  Everyone started having babies and pairing off.  Bor-ring.
4. Play with my son.  I just love to see that little face scrunch up and burst with that adorable smile.
5. Watch my son and husband sleep.  Everyone you love looks like an angel when they are asleep.  All of the pain and upset is erased from their face, and they look younger, like children and babies.  My son goes back to being a soft, warm baby.  And my husband morphs back into the fresh faced young man he was when we first met and later fell in love.
6. Teach music.  I like to teach, period.  But, there’s something so primal about music.  People tell me all of the time that they can’t sing, or play an instrument.  They’re wrong.  Everyone has music in their soul.  I miss the kids.  I love teaching elementary.  And it’s something that I think about from time to time, how I miss all of those kids at my old job.
7. Look into my husband’s eyes.  I see our past.  I see each defining moment.  I see our present.  I see all of the little things I love about him.  The three freckles by his left eye.  His crows feet when I really make him laugh.  I see our son.  And I see our future.  The child that can be.  The home that we live in within each other.  I see it all.  It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
8. Make love to my husband.  Or just have regular old sex.  Whatever.  Sex is fun and intimate.
9. Sing.  I love to sing.  I especially like to take industrial songs, like songs from A Perfect Circle and do my own cover.  I think putting a female’s voice on powerful male songs is empowering.
10. Martial Arts.  It’s awesome.  Period.  I am taking classes in Tang Soo Do, the same martial arts that Chuck Norris does.  Now, I know that I’ll never be able to have the same epic beard, but maybe I’ll be able to get close to kicking some ass like him.
11. Think of psychological theories.  I just love psychology.  Many people with mental health issues go to school for psychology, because they’re dead set on figuring out their own issues.  Sure, that was a motivator.  But, I am so curious about the one thing that no scientist can pin down – humans.  Human behavior, genetics, dysfunction, neurology.  I just love it all.  What makes a person tick?  What makes a person who they are, and how did they get there?
12. Listening to new music on Youtube.  I love to start out with one artist and just go from there.  That’s how I found Paper Rival.  Awesome, awesome band.
13. Crafts.  Do I love crafts?  Is the pope Catholic?  You bet!  I’m mostly into scrapbooking, collages, and crocheting.  I love to make useful stuff.  Oh, and I really love instructibles.com
14. Long drives.  I don’t like road trips as much as I like aimless long drives.  I like to explore neighborhoods that I’ve passed dozens of times, but I’ve never been in.  I love to look at the pretty houses in a neighboring town.  I am just baffled at the amount of money that some people have and the multimillion dollar homes.  Who really needs that much space?  I’d have people hanging from the rafters.  I would be ashamed to have that much unused space, you know?  But, they are gorgeous homes.
15. Amateur photography.  Right along with my fascination with psychology, I love to take candid pictures of people.  Some of the best photos I’ve ever taken were candid.  And, of course, some of the most unflattering ever possible.  But, then again, I’ve taken some very unflattering posed ones too.  People are fascinating in their natural state.  I like to study it.  The easiest way to catch emotion in time is to get a photo.

Related articles

• Oh. You’re a Psychology major? *uncomfortable silence* (geeksparkle.com)
• Psychology ~ Why has it Gained its Credibility, It’s History in a Nutshell, When Mixed with Christianity (faithbibleministries.wordpress.com)
• Shopping for a new martial-arts school (esr.ibiblio.org)
• Through others we become ourselves… (willeke73.wordpress.com)

Why Self-Injurious Behavior?

A response to carla’s post about self-destructive behavior. It expands upon the basic concepts noted in the reply.

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Most of the time, in the clinical world, it’s referred to as “self-injurious behavior”. That includes all kinds of harmful behaviors directed toward oneself across all diagnoses.

It’s fact that SIB (self-injurious behavior) is often a behavioral expression for emotions that have no other outlet. Many children with autism spectrum disorder engage in SIB. Most often, it is because they are developmentally delayed in the social and language domains. However, many times it does have the function of attention seeking behavior – but not in the way that some perceive it. It does not carry sole intentions of “acting out” in the role of negative reinforcement. It is a way of communicating, “I’m hurting. Please attend to the situation.”

But, SIB has many different functions in other diagnoses. SIB is absolutely complex in development, function, and reinforcement. Some people engage in the behavior as an outward expression of inward suffering, others do it for the adrenaline that it releases. But, most people who engage in SIB are never aware of the root cause that sparks the behavior, nor are they aware of the function.

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Reader beware: The following section may be disturbing and trigger inducing. Discretion is advised.

I have been engaging in SIB since the onset of symptoms in my early teens. Nowadays, SIB is a widely covered social issue through media outlets. So, it is pretty easy for children and teens to get some ideas and tips. However, when I was young, SIB was very hush-hush. I did not get the idea from anywhere in particular. It just occurred to me.

It became a regular and highly ritualized behavior. Dark room, so it would look like I was sleeping. Music in the background, nothing in particular. Just some background noise not to raise suspicions. My knife and me. Because, it was easier to get a hold of a kitchen knife than it was to obtain a razor. Besides, that didn’t occur to me until later on.

I will refrain from detailing it any further. The development is obvious, and needs little explanation. However, I will explain the function and reinforcement. I have had well over a decade to study it and witness it in for myself, through myself.

SIB has multiple functions for me. First, for me alone, it is a physical manifestation of the pain I experience. Sometimes, there are no words to pair with it. There are no words in the world to make the feeling go away, and the behavior has become an impulse, rather than a carefully planned, ritualistic behavior.

Second, it is a form of self-punishment. This is the behavioral response to emotional neglect and abuse as a child. I had no confidants. There were no adults that existed in my life that I could relate this awful depression to. And when I attempted to do so with my own parents, it was dismissed. PMS, a phase, attention seeking behavior, imaginary, excuses. I’ve heard all of the rationalizations there are for depressive symptoms.

As a form of self-punishment, much like those of the clergy in the old church, it represented all of the punishment I deserved for being a bad person. A failure. For being insignificant and terrible enough to be unworthy of love. All that a despicable person like myself deserves is wounds. Terrible wounds that will bleed, and scab, and scar so that I might be reminded every time I look upon them.

SIB also serves as a mechanism for control. I have always noticed a pattern about the stimuli that prompts this behavioral reaction. I get to a point where I am overwhelmed, and my life is spinning out of control. I feel helpless and hopeless. The only thing I have control over is my own body, even when I cannot temper my emotions. This mechanism is dangerous, because it is the gateway to an abundance of other methods of SIB.

It is also a small part of the lingering, highly romanticized desire for death. Suicide is something else entirely, so I will leave that at that for the moment. In a way, it is like blood letting of the barbaric medicine practiced in medieval times. When a person was afflicted, blood letting was a common practice. It was though to purge toxins and evil from the body and mind.

And lastly, and most importantly is the addictive component. The act of SIB releases endorphins in the body. It allows the mind to focus on the most immediate pain it perceives, distracting from emotional suffering. Instead of being trapped with those emotions, the mind can be set free from that cage. It focuses on the real pain and the real injury. These endorphins, once the climax of the pain has been reached, take over. For a moment, a brief moment in time, the mind is empty. Everything is numb, with the exception of the radiating pain from the wound. It is similar to taking a drug to escape.

SIB is really a dangerous behavior for all of those reasons, and many more in the realm of somatic damage. I have incredible amounts of scar tissue, some still visible more than ten years later. Other bloggers have related worse to me. Nerve damage, lasting pain, etc. For those that engage in other types of SIB, the risk becomes even greater. Especially with ED and promiscuous behaviors. I am typically a very faithful person, remaining monogamous. (I am completely monogamous in my marriage. Don’t get the wrong idea. That was then, and this is now.) And I still ended up with HPV, causing me to have cervical cancer and two surgeries. The more partners, the higher the risk.

In summation, SIB has an seriously addictive component, and is not a substance, so it makes it harder to control. With a substance, a person can refrain from the substance itself. SIB is a little different because devices of self-harm exist everywhere, and can be carried out in a variety of ways. SIB can be most effectively treated with ABA techniques, mostly behavioral replacement with positive reinforcement. It is a long and difficult process, but it can be accomplished.

A Spectrum of Depression

Blank.

Each time I go to write, I get a blank.  Is it a blank, because I feel as if I don’t have anything important to say.  Or is it a blank, because if I make a certain statement, then it is real.  It becomes something tangible in this world, not only for me, but for others, and I will eventually have to come nose to nose with it.

I’ve grappled with this before.  Making certain admissions.  I do not lie as much as I turn a blind eye.  I rationalize.  I attempt to will it out of existence.  But, it is just not that easy.

Simply – I am in the midst of a depressive episode.

Why was that so hard?

There is a certain hesitation for me to use the word depression.  It is not a word that I use loosely; others use it as a part of their regular vernacular to describe sadness.  Depression is not sadness.  Depression has a depth beyond that of sadness, loneliness, isolation, self-loathing, or any other word.  No amount of words arranged in any way can accurately depict depression, and do it any kind of justice.

The hesitation to term it as depression stems from the idea that, if it doesn’t feel like the worst I’ve ever felt, then it’s not depression.  I have faced more gruesome depressions than this one.  With the admission comes a certain fear.  If I am to term it as a depressive episode, then it really will be such, in the worst sense of that word.  It could worsen the episode itself by acknowledging it.

Blank.  Again.

I have found it so interesting that Bipolar Disorder has this grandiose spectrum to encompass so many different types and symptoms.  However, they are exclusive to mania.  Depression is just depression, and it by itself is MDD, or unipolar depression.  Except, now psychologists are starting to recognize symptoms that are related to atypical depression.  However, by reading through these symptoms, it seems as if it may be exclusive to unipolar depression.

How much research has been done to distinguish unipolar depression from bipolar depression?  So far, the only thing that separates the two is the existence of hypomania / mania.  In theory, there wouldn’t be a difference.  I get the feeling that there is, and it is significant enough to have a separation between the two.

So far, the mood spectrum looks like this:

But, I really think that’s being too broad about it.  I fall smack dab in the middle of Bipolar II, no full on psychosis equals no full on mania, even if I have delusions.  I wouldn’t even suspect that I have full on mania, anyway.  Even with delusional thinking, I can honestly say that there has never been a time where I have been hypomanic where I lost touch with reality.

People with mood disorders are familiar with the depressive symptoms.  But, I’ll sum them up:

Sadness, anxiety, irritability,  Loss of energy,  Feelings of guilt, hopelessness, or worthlessness,  Loss of interest or enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable,  Difficulty concentrating,  Uncontrollable crying,  Difficulty making decisions,  Increased need for sleep,  Insomnia, Change in appetite causing weight loss or gain, Suicidal ideation, and / or Attempting suicide.

Symptoms of atypical depression:

Increased appetite, Unintentional weight gain. Increased desire to sleep. Heavy, leaden feeling in the arms and legs, Sensitivity to rejection or criticism that interferes with your social life or job, Relationship conflicts. Trouble maintaining long-lasting relationships, Fear of rejection that leads to avoiding relationships, Having depression that temporarily lifts with good news or positive events but returns later

These are all familiar.  I’ve bolded the ones that I’m experiencing at the moment.  It seems that I’m bordering on the more atypical part of depression.  This is the kind of depression that no one really tells you about.

I had mentioned my diagnosis of Bipolar II, resulting from non-psychotic “manias” clinically termed “hypomania”.  Fair enough.  Let me put a question out there.  Has anyone ever experienced a psychotic depressive episode?

I have.  And I have mentioned this to doctors on several occasions.  I will have breaks with reality when I am depressed.  I have severe delusions, almost completely the opposite of delusions of grandeur.  I will have severe paranoid episodes – in fact, I just had one.  I can have myself convinced that everyone hates me and is out to destroy my life.  It makes me combative.  I will sometimes invent conversations that never happened, just because my brain contorts a criticism.

Mayo Clinic appended this in fine print below their list of classical depressive symptoms:

When a person with psychosis is depressed, there may be delusions of guilt or worthlessness — perhaps there is an inaccurate belief of being ruined and penniless, or having committed a terrible crime.

Perhaps?  I’m nearly positive that exists because not enough research on bipolar depression versus unipolar depression exists to accurately differentiate between the two.

There are a few questions that remain.  Again, not to just the bipolar population but the unipolar population as well, have you ever experienced a psychotic depressive episode?  Is this more commonly found in MDD, BP II, or BP I?

Because if this is common amongst all populations, then the mood spectrum should look more like this:

Perhaps a more accurate model