Answers From the Universe

When I’m feeling frustrated or small or insignificant, I often find myself reaching out into universe for the answers to life’s biggest questions.  I set my sights skyward and almost put a message in a bottle to float amongst the cosmos.  I eagerly await a sign, even something as seemingly insignificant as a shifting of winds, to guide me to where I’m supposed to be.

In my more cynical moments, I’ve referred to this overwhelming dissatisfaction as being a “Cold War Kid”.  The Cold War mentality was only partially inherited in my generation in only the vague sense that we could be something greater and do something greater with our lives.  As bright eyed children, we were all encouraged to “shoot for the moon” with the promise that “even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars”.  And with the broken promise, we disinherited greatness.

I’ve had a lot of false starts in my life.  In darker moments, I’ve often regarded this to be attributed to the pop-culture psych phenomenon “Failure to Launch Syndrome”.  My inquisitive mind is always searching for answers, flipping a problem over and about to inspect it from every angle.  It’s too dissatisfying to pawn it off on a generational glitch, especially when I feel as if my personal situation doesn’t quite fit the bill.

I don’t do anything half-assed, in fact quite the opposite.  I’m a classical overachiever, only to encounter the complications of mental health conditions that stymie my own endeavors.

“Why is it not enough to live a good life?  Why must I live a ‘great’ life?”

In the same fashion, I don’t believe in coincidences or luck.  Coincidences and luck are concepts embraced by those who lack the sight when they step out for a moment to take in the grandeur of the rich tapestry of cosmic design.  Common sense and logic are only scientific rules that generate likely predictions, but not necessarily the most accurate outcomes.  We are only human, and therefore we can only rely on our hindsight and foresight to be accurate on only the smallest scale.

At about the same time that Xan and I were completing our initial application for foster parent certification, I completed an application for CNA training with the Generation Pittsburgh program.  The program is designed to offer vocational training opportunities to the youths of Pittsburgh aged 18 – 29.  At the time of my application, I was staring down 30 within 3 months.  Though technically still within the specified age group, I knew there was a good chance that I’d “age out” before I even had a chance.

This past Friday, Xan and I confirmed with our contact at the adoption agency that we were scheduled in for four trainings during the month of December.  I believe that makes us nearly complete, and we can expect to have our homestudy expedited pending our clearances.  I was thrilled by this news!  It was almost as amazing when I first saw our son on a sonogram!

But, the CNA possibility still lingered.  I mentioned to Xan, “The applications close today.  I suppose I’ll find out next week whether I move to the next round.”

I did.  The email arrived this morning.  “Dear Mrs. M., Thank you for your interest, however our program is only offered to the 18 – 29 age group.  Unfortunately, you will soon not meet these qualifications.  Good luck in the future.”  I got my answer.

Rejection, in whatever form, is never well received.  Throughout my entire life, all I wanted to be was “older”.  I just wanted to somehow “grow into myself”, as a tiny puppy grows into her awkwardly large head and paws to be the grand dog she was meant to be.  This analogy doesn’t apply in the physical sense, seeing as how I gained my remaining two inches of my petite height somewhere between the ages of 18 and 21.  My late Pappap used to joke with everyone about his only granddaughter as being, “Five going on thirty-five.”  And I always felt a sense of urgency to somehow get there.

Now I’m here, and I’ve actually aged out of a program.  This is the first time I’ve experienced a discrimination of age because I was actually chronologically too old!  I was a young wife.  I was such a young mother than I often faced a public scorn of being an unwed teenage mother, when that was absolutely false!  Though I often get gasps when people inspect my ID, I realize that I am no longer a young woman.

In that very same breath, I exhaled soothingly.  This is my answer.  What is the grander purpose of my life?  For some people, it’s pretty clear cut.  For me, I’ve had to do over a decade worth of searching before I realized it.  My longest job held was teaching and caring for underprivileged children in a program where their working parents would often drop them off at 6AM and not return again until 6PM.  I dedicated my time to improving the lives of children that no one else had the time or energy to invest in.

Why not be a mother to children who need one?

Of everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, it’s always been clear to me that I wanted to get married and have kids.  I went through so many phases of “what do I want to be when I grow up?”, even as an adult.  Not a doctor, a lawyer, president, or anything of the like.  I wanted to be a wife and a mother, and everything else just came and went.

And with more than a blessing that I received on my pregnancy with my biological son, our family’s intentions to adopt have been extremely well received by both friends and family alike.

So, I leave this with a quote from Silver Linings Playbook:

When life reaches out at a moment like this it’s a sin if you don’t reach back, I’m telling you its a sin if you don’t reach back! It’ll haunt you the rest of your days like a curse. You’re facing a big challenge in your life right now at this very moment, right here.

Psych Lingo

Well, a month has passed since my last med check where I was ambushed by a filler doctor.  He had me taken aback with his recommendations for heavier medications, such as “real mood stabilizers” and replacing all my benzos with antipsychotics.  Apparently, in his professional opinion, my bipolar disorder was not well managed.

I’ll be honest with you.  Not only did his recommendations scare the bejesus out of me, they insulted me.  Typically, I would really refrain from faulting myself from being a particularly proud person.  With all of the knocks I’ve taken in my life, I can ill afford pride and arrogance.  But, in a way, it felt like he dismissed a year’s worth of legitimate complaints with the flick of a wrist.  It was almost as if he were nullifying all of the effort I’ve put into managing my mental health.

His suggestion?  A condescending tutorial on how to use Google to research my disorder and make informed medication decisions.

Ugh.  *Eye Roll*

That didn’t stop me from obsessively combing the internet, haunting message boards, putting messages in a bottle, and taking a battery of online assessments.  My assessment?  Don’t self-diagnose from the internet.

Ironically, there I was on Friday morning watching Silver Linings Playbook.  It was neither the first nor the tenth showing of that movie on that screen.  I had always admired the screen portrayal of Pat, and felt that it did justice to the disorder.  There was always something that I identified with, but not entirely.

I hopped in the shower, almost hysterical.  Before I’m about to meet with someone, I usually have a script ready in my head.  It’s just a set of questions I’ve already prepped myself to answer and topics that are safe and well researched.  This is especially the case when I’m preparing to meet a professional.  It’s easier than getting bullied into treatments that I’m not entirely familiar with.  At least I have some ammo when I go in.

But, I had no answers this time.  I’ve been to enough med checks in my life to know what to say and what not to say.  It’s a matter of knowing what’s going to get me in hot water and take me down a road I’m not willing to go.  Call that non-compliant, but let’s be real.  How many people are completely 100% treatment compliant?

I was ready to lay all of my cards down on the table.  Xan cautioned, “Don’t go in there guns ablazing.”  Again, eye roll.  I was panicked to the point of wanting to cancel.  It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done that with a doctor.  But, Dr. K has this soft cleverness about him.  He’s far more observant than any other psychiatrist I’ve ever had.  And at the same time, he’s far less talkative, so he’s entirely less likely to show his hand.  Most doctors will give a tell as to their personal opinion, rather than a professional opinion if I engage them in a little extra conversation.  Dr. K just doesn’t bite.

Which brings me to what happened.

He was running almost an hour behind, which rankled me far more than I care to admit.  It’s amazing how cozy folks in a psychiatrists office can get when they’ve been in close quarters for more than a few minutes.  It was actually the first time anyone had the guts to politely ask why I was seeing Dr. K.  I always thought that there was some kind of unspoken code that it was almost forbidden to “fraternize” with one another.  I assured her the question was fine, and that I had been seeing him for bipolar disorder.  “Two,” I added, seeing a mildly startled look on her face, “Kind of the ‘lesser of’.  ‘Diet’ bipolar.”

An imaginary tumbleweed blew through the office accompanied by the soundtrack of a multitude of crickets.  A man’s voice sounded a boisterous, “BOO!”

Boo yourself!

I quickly and gently asked about her condition.  If I was taking home anything that day, it was the knowledge that folks in a psychiatrists office are a lot more eager to talk about their own conditions than I imagined.

Dr. K called me in, and I wished her well.

I guess all of the psych talk in the waiting room primed me.  I sat down in one of his plain black leather armchairs that did the rest of his ornate office no justice.  Naturally, he asked me how I was.  I admitted that I was well enough.  Then, somehow, I trickled into it.  I told him that I’m able to manage.  But the “insanity of it all” was just overwhelming.  The burning need to perform certain tasks in a particular way was killing me and causing conflict in my family.

He asked me to elaborate.  And did I!  I told him about the cumbersome nature of housework.  I like everyone to be out of the house, because I can do it the way I need to, without any interference.  And Xan, he tries to help when I’m getting more and more stressed and less and less gets done.

I told him about an incident where Xan did the dishes.  I don’t like when people do my dishes.  They can’t work within my system.  It’s infuriating, because the system is so easy, but I don’t expect anyone to know how, because it’s my system.  They have to be done in a certain order so they can be stacked in a certain order.  If they’re not, then something is going to break.  I described the awful Jenga game and how all of my favorite glasses and mugs have been broken by such carelessness.

Then, they have to be air dried to avoid any contamination.  The last thing I want is to accidentally give my family and friend food poisoning because I was being careless.  If there are multiple loads, then it slows the entire thing down.  But, then they have to be put away in a particular way, because that’s how they fit in the cupboards.  I try not to swear and complain when I go into the cupboards for something later, but it’s hard.  If they aren’t put away correctly, then they don’t fit, then things get lost, and then that delays all other kitchen activity.

I told him that I felt like I knew that the level of obsession with such detail was unhealthy, but there wasn’t any way to fix that.  I’ve always been like that.  He asked if there was anything else like that, and I exclaimed excitedly, “Oh the closet!”  And I went on to talk about how the closet is arranged and how the clothes have to be folded exactly so they fit in the drawers without incident.  And again, I went into how I know it could be done differently, but it’s not right and it doesn’t work.  I’ve spent years developing these systems.  It is supposed to make everything easier, but it actually kind of makes everything more difficult when I don’t have the time or energy to devote to it.

I actually went into more length than I wanted to there.  But, I felt like I had to illustrate the entire madness.  To leave anything out wouldn’t do it justice.  I expressed to him that I didn’t understand why I had to do this.  But, in truth, the act of organizing and sorting usually gives me some peace.  Well, when everything goes as it should.

Apparently, I used the right key words.  He answered my questions about the “level of obsessiveness” with a sentence that contained the keyword: compulsions.

Note:  I usually refrain from using psych lingo or any clinical terminology.  Most doctors aren’t very receptive.

Dr. K explained something that I never really got until then.  Anxiety manifests itself in many different ways, sometimes all at the same time.  And there are many different coping mechanisms that a person develops over a lifetime.  Anxiety can manifest in obsessions, which often lead to compulsions to alleviate that stress.  His response was to treat it with Prozac.  I’m pretty hopeful.

He added that it’s characteristic of obsessive compulsive disorder.  In all of my education and research, I am still a little unclear on it.  This is going to be a new journey for me.

In a way, I feel a little vindicated.  I was right to trust my gut sense that bipolar disorder wasn’t the entire picture.  And I was right in believing that there was more to it, as if we fixed something, but uncovered something else.

Most of all, I’m glad it’s all resolved, and I’m on an appropriate treatment for it.

So I guess all it takes is a little bit of clinical reference to speak the language of a Pdoc.  I’ll keep that in mind in the future.

The Real Possibilities – Reaching Beyond a Diagnosis

I’d like to preface this with one thing.  I don’t usually post to Sunny about things in my life that are just developing or things that I would consider to be “in limbo”.  This is me, Lulu, reaching out into the community in search of some informed opinions and suggestions.  I want to hear from you to learn about your personal experiences and gain from the reader’s pool of knowledge.  Not every answer is clear cut, and most of the best answers can’t be found in a book somewhere.

The New Doc on the Block

I went into my psychiatrist’s office for my regular med check last Friday.  Except, there was nothing about this that was regular.  My psychiatrist Dr. K. wasn’t in, and another doctor I was meeting for the first time was filling in.  I figured it would be more of the same, you know, “How’s it going?”  “Fine, except a couple of things.”  “Okay, well go off into the world, be good, and take your medication.”

I was dead wrong.

He asked me a few typical questions, like “What’s your diagnosis?”  and “What medications have you been on?”  and things of that sort.  He asked me how I’ve been feeling recently, and I answered honestly.  Mostly, I’m alright.  My moods are pretty stable, and I’m in a pretty good place most days.  I’m still pretty irritable and the anxiety I’m experiencing is just unmanageable anymore.  But, those are the constants.

I’m not fighting depression or mania at the moment, or living inside the confusing anguishing hell that is a mixed episode.  I’m alright.  Just alright.  Probably the best I could expect to be doing being someone with this condition.

This part shocked the hell out of me.

The doctor goes into a long explanation of why I’m still experiencing symptoms, being that I’m apparently not on medications that actually treat the disorder.  He tells me that Lamictal is not a mood stabilizer. Since I’m not on a mood stabilizer or and an antipsychotic, and since I have a lot of options, I should be on both.  In his medical opinion, I should not be on Wellbutrin or even really any antidepressant at all.  And Xanax and Halcion are not supposed to be for long term use to manage anxiety.

I fought him on the antipsychotic, explaining that those types of medications and I don’t get along well.  He insisted it was because I’ve never been on an actual mood stabilizer.  He kindly smiles and promised that as soon as my meds were fixed, then my bipolar would be fixed, and I’d be right on track.

He advised me to take a look on the internet at my treatment option throughout the next month, and then discuss with Dr. K. when I came back.

It was like getting slapped by someone in a moving vehicle.

As quickly as I went in, I was back out again.  I was disoriented and confused.  For a minute, I actually considered his words might be the truth to the whole thing.  Then I remembered what being on antipsychotics was like.  That created a whole host of problems that were unlike any I had ever experienced before.  And I don’t care to EVER go there again.

So, Xan and I got in the car, and I laid the whole thing out for him.  He was completely on my side.  He said, “I don’t see why they are trying to fix something that isn’t broken?   Why are they trying to dope you up like this?  What did you tell him?”

I replied, “Nothing out of the ordinary!  I told him that I’m having difficulty keeping a job, but I have no idea what that’s all about.  I’m struggling socially and have been, well, pretty much my entire life.  And that irritability, insomnia, and anxiety have been a constant for me.  I mean, for my ENTIRE life, before all the mood stuff started.”

And we both agreed.  Whatever throws down, that cocktail is not happening.

To Be Bipolar, Or Maybe Not Bipolar?

I’ve been thinking about this for quite awhile now.  My moods have been pretty stable for about a year now.  I mean, that is cause for celebration here.  I’ve had some minor snags here and there, but all in all, I’ve been pretty level.  The episodes I do have are not nearly as deep as they once were, even if the duration might be seemingly longer.  So, why am I still seeing significant dysfunction in certain respects?

Is it possible that I might not even have Bipolar Disorder in the first place?  Could it be something else?  Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar share some diagnostic traits.  Could there have been a mixup?

Or, perhaps, the mood episodes were actually solved, as I suspected, and we’re now uncovering something underneath the mood shifts?  I have long suspected that the anxiety that I’m reporting hasn’t had anything to do with my mood shifts, although I did describe them as having the ability to spark depression or mania, depending on the context.

Xan and I sat down later, and I said, “You know, if Dr. K. is going to cause trouble and shift medications around, I’m going to request that we do a complete reevaluation.  I’m talking about starting from scratch, covering it all from A – Z.”

He answered, “I think that’s a good plan.”

My Homework Assignment

So, I’m doing my homework assignment right now.  I’m doing my research on the internet.

BUT!

I’m going beyond all of the articles, medical websites, and online assessments.  Sure, I’ll have those tucked under my belt, but I’m not a person who half-asses anything.

I’m taking it to the people.

Tell me about your experiences.  I’m open to all suggestions, ideas, theories, and everything and anything all open minds would like to add.

Thanks ahead of time readers.  I’m counting on you!

Blog for Mental Health 2013 Badge Voting

The new year of 2013 is coming upon us, and quickly.  Last year, I started Blog for Mental Health 2012.  For those that are unaware of what Blog for Mental Health 2012 was, I’ll fill you in quickly:
Many people who suffer from mental health disorders do so in silence.  And prior to many of our own blogs, we may have done just the same.  By taking the pledge to Blog for Mental Health in the year of 2012, we celebrate our own voices that speak up in our own unique ways.  We pledge that not only do we blog about mental health topics for ourselves, but for the inspiration of others to raise their voices and tell their own stories of their own personal experiences with mental health disorders.

For more information about Blog for Mental Health 2012, visit the page.

I fully intend on continuing this pledge and tradition into the new year of 2013.  Therefore, I’ve gotten started early on the design for the Blog for Mental Health 2013 badge.  Last year, it was created solely on my own.  But this year, I’d like others to participate in selecting the official badge to represent the pledge.

The nominees are:

#1

#2

#3

#4

#5

If you have any suggestions for combining badges, they are quite welcome.  Let the voting begin!

PS:  Please visit the comments section for additional badges that were created after the first run.

Related articles

• Blog for Mental Health 2012 Project (inheritingtheearth.com)

Enlightenment Doesn’t Notice The Date

Buyer Beware: Medicating Children with Psychiatric and Behavioral Disorder

 I wrote this in college in a course.

BUYER BEWARE: MEDICATING

Buyer Beware:

Medicating Children with

Psychiatric and Behavioral Disorder

Tiffany M.

CM220-17

        If you discovered that your child had a disorder, you’d do anything to fix it, right?  Some parents are going to great lengths to “fix” their children, including extensive pharmacological therapy.  In fact, the incidence of children using prescription medication has more than tripled in the last twenty years.    However, it does not statistically make sense that an epidemic of psychiatric illnesses and behavioral disorders would present so suddenly.   This is cause for great concern when it comes to unnecessarily medicating our children.  Therefore, many children with behavioral and emotional disorder do not require pharmacological treatment, because of the questionable existence of disorder, risky and sometimes unknown side effects of medication, and serious ethical concerns surrounding the topic.

Disorder is a term used frequently in the field of Psychology and in Psychiatric practice.  Merriam-Websters defines disorder as “to disturb the normal functions of” (Merriam-Webster Online.  2010.)  A childhood psychiatric disorder or behavioral disorder would, in this vague terminology, cause dysfunction in certain aspects of their life, if not globally.  However, being met with challenges and discomfort is a recognized part of the natural process of maturing into an adult.  The way in which each individual handles these challenges and expresses themselves uniquely is part of their innate personality.  When we begin naming personality traits as being dysfunctional or part of a disorder, then we begin classifying unique behaviors as distinctly acceptable and unacceptable.  For example, there is a new birth control medication on the market named Yaz, that has been named the only oral contraceptive that will reduce mood swings during a menstrual cycle.  Many teen girls have been prescribed Yaz for a naturally occurring ailment!  Yet, many will not hesitate to classify “mood swings”, however small or brief, as symptomatic of a disorder, when it is really just a part of the regulation of hormones in the newly developing sexual system; thus, it is a part of a maturing woman’s life.  Then it will become a question of whether an active, extraverted child has symptoms of ADHD, a shy, sensitive child has Major Depressive Disorder, or a socially awkward child has Pervasive Development Disorder.  Even the DSM-IV states that “neither deviant behavior nor conflicts that are primarily between the individual and society are mental disorders” (DSM-IV. 1997.)  It is a subjective point of view of what is “normal” and “abnormal” childhood behavior that makes the diagnosis.  The point is, children are still in the process of developing and their expressive symptoms are not necessarily resulting from a suspected disorder and may better be explained by environmental or physical stressors.  It may be better to take into consideration that this may just be the child’s response to their environment, provoked by their unique personality instead of haphazardly slapping on a label and pumping the child full of medication to make them comply with society’s idea of normality.

It is these reasons and more that there is a suspected epidemic of over-diagnosis and therefore over-medicating children in our country.  Labels such as ADHD, behavioral disorder, and emotional disorder are leading parents searching for answers and doctors and pharmaceutical companies to provide them in the form a pill to answer their prayers.  “American children are taking four times as much psychiatric medications as any other country in the world” (Frontline, 1999) although the rest of the western world has the same medical technology and advancements.  One of the reasons may lie with the legislation of free education and related services for those with disabilities, known as the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act being passed into law in 1990.  Many parents and educators saw the advantages of additional assistance, services, and educational grants.  The average number of children taking medication in two to three in each classroom (Frontline, 1999).  “About ten percent of ten-year-old American boys are taking such medicine” (Washington Post, 2006).

There are a great deal of often overlooked or negotiated risks for taking prescription medications, including cardiac arrest and suicide.  In October 2004, the Food and Drug Administration released a list of psychiatric medications suspected to increase the risk of suicide in children and young adults (National Institute of Mental Health. 2010).  The National Institute of Mental Health sought to investigate this claim further.  They discovered in a 2006 study that there were no completed suicides by a vast increase of suicidal thoughts and behaviors (National Institute of Mental Health, 2010).  However, many of these medications are fairly new, such as Abilify and Yaz, and have not had been thoroughly tested.  Yaz, an oral contraceptive used to treat mood swings associated with menstrual cycles, is now showing a higher incidence of women developing life threatening blood clots.  Even medications that are much older are starting to show new effects when prescribed to a larger population.  The Washington Post reported in 2006 that ADHD medications, including Ritilin, first created in 1955, were about to carry their own “black box” warning concerning the risk of sudden cardiac arrest.  Many medications of all varieties, including Yaz and Lamictal, have warnings about Stevens-Johnson Syndrome.  Stevens-Johnson syndrome is a life threatening skin rash resulting in an allergic reaction to a medication, therefore it is possible that it can happen with all medications, including over-the-counter pain relievers.  Plainly said, there is no safe medication.

Long term side effects and consequences of many medications are still very much unknown.  However, researchers are starting to have an inkling and the prognosis is bleak.  Anti-depressants are found to cause neurogenesis, or new brain cell growth, but the implications for children are unclear (Homes, 2005.)  Evidence from research concludes “that the use of neuroleptic and psychotropic medication makes long-term, if not permenant changes in the brain structure” (Sparks and Duncan, 2004.)  Unfortunately, there is no research available for lifelong usage effects since prescribing these psychiatric medications to children is a fairly new trend.  In fact, it is advised that long-term treatment of adults on the same medication must be reviewed, such is the case in Lamictal.  Lamictal is the only FDA approved medication for treating Bipolar Disorder, besides Lithium.  Research on the Lamictal website is provided but only for as long as 18 months.

Medications also have side effects that are not life threatening but carry huge consequences.  Many anti-depressants and benzodiazapines, prescribed for anxiety, cause weight gain and drowsiness.  This may adversely affect their already damaged self-esteem and their overall functioning, both in the academic and social area.  Oppositely, medications for ADHD may cause patients to lose weight and while that may be desirable for females, it may not be for males, who are the typical patients.  Many mood stabilizers cause hair loss, irregular and painful menstrual cycles, and acne.  Sometimes, in the cases of sleep and appetite changes, doctors will prescribe another medication to combat the side effects.  (Breggin, 2010).  Although psychiatric medications have been proven to be effective in a number of cases to treat a disorder, they may have unwanted side effects when it comes to an aspect of their personality.  Many patients with Bipolar disorder report feeling “emotional deadening” when using mood stabilizers.  Others who are prescribed these medications, particularly those who are the more creative type, feel less like themselves and the medication “completely took your inspiration away” (Smith, 2010).  This leads us back into the original argument that some dysfunctional traits associated with disorder may be an integral part of one’s fully functioning personality.

Then, there is the concern of misdiagnosis.  Often, mood disorders can be misdiagnosed (DSM-IV, 1997.)  Major Depressive Disorder may be a result of an environmental cause, such as a bad home or school experience.  Bipolar Disorder is often misdiagnosed as Major Depressive Disorder, Schizophrenia or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder when either the depressive or manic episode is more prevalent.  Most of the symptoms that occur in childhood Bipolar Disorder are atypical (Weller, 2002.)  A single misdiagnosis can cause years of agony for the child and delay the psychological help that is desperately needed.  Not only are these children still plagued by a disorder, but they are treated with potentially toxic medications that do nothing to ease their symptoms, often reaching a disturbingly high dosage.  The illusion that is created when a host of medications do not work is that these children are damaged beyond repair.  Many teens may seek to start self-medicating by using illicit drugs and alcohol.  The National Institute on Drug Abuse examples comorbid mental illness by stating that “people addicted to drugs are roughly twice as likely to suffer from mood and anxiety disorders” than the general population (NIDA, 2009.)  All of these issues combined can generate the potential for more serious problems like delinquency, promiscuity, delayed development in the cognitive and social areas, poor academic performance, and dropping out of school altogether.  Worse, misdiagnosis can lead to death.  One family had both of their daughter’s lives taken, one by overmedication and the other by misdiagnosis.  Two daughters in the Hall family were both diagnosed with ADHD.  One, Stephanie, died the very same day her medication was increased.  The other, Jenny, began to have seizures and was later found to have brain tumors that mimicked ADHD.  It is wise to have a second opinion and have all of the other factors checked into before settling into a diagnosis.  According to Janet Hall, “Don’t trust your doctor. Question him over and over. If you are not happy with what he says, if you have an intuitive feeling that something doesn’t seem right, it’s not. Get second and third opinions. It may not seem reasonable to have to go to that extent, but if it’s at the price of your child, it is” (Null, 2001.)

These concerns raise a great deal of ethical issues revolving around the issue of medicating children.  Children certainly have rights, but those rights are being violated when they are forced to take medication.  One mother, Robin, went as far as getting a court order to force her son back on medication (Frontline, 1999).  Children in psychiatric wards are being dosed through “chemical restraint”. (The Columbus Dispatch, 2005.)  Children should have a voice.  Some would say that highly medicating a child borders on abuse.  Forcing children to take medicine when they refuse violates their rights.  After all, it is their bodies and their minds.  The long term consequences are their own to bear.   It should be their decision ultimately, because we cannot “discount the accuracy of the youngest voices to tell us what is working and what might help” (Sparks and Duncan, 2004.)  Honestly, professionals and parents alike only rely on circumstantial evidence, colored by personal emotion and investment.  If a parent puts faith in a medication to solve the problem, then the slightest progress can be magnified.  However, the only person who really knows is the child.

Contrary to popular belief, many children who remain unmedicated or are only medicated for a short period of time have a great prognosis.  In one of the longest research studies done on the performance of Ritilin versus Behavioral Therapy for ADHD, Ritilin patients only slightly outperformed the BT group.  After a six month follow-up, the BT group was maintained throughout the 14 month study.  More impressive, the BT group was the only intact group after the 24 month follow up!  Most parents see the best results through at the very least combined therapy, and the medication is often short-term when it is felt necessary.  That is why “nonmedical intervention particularly important because effects of stimulant medication, though beneficial in the short term, do not last beyond medication termination” (Sparks and Duncan, 2004.)  The same goes for any medication.  Once the medication is terminated, the noticeable changes and advancements seem to disintegrate.  In many cases, Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Thearpy are a better route to go.  Although they may not produce the instantly gratifying results that American’s are so accustomed to, the long term benefit outweighs everything.  As we’ve previously discussed, no medication is safe and therefore cannot be expected to be maintained for life.  Therefore, if we build the skills within the child to manage their condition, then they can live medication free and have full, happy lives.

In the end, it’s all about the happiness and health of the children.  Many parents are desperate for the quick fix to the problem, due largely in part of parental anxiety.  The other part is most likely the strain that disorder brings into the family and their lives.  Yes, medication will provide the relief that parents and children may be looking for, but will it in the long run?  Many times, we’re used to focusing in on the smaller picture, the point of the problem, rather than standing back to examine the bigger picture.  Parents and doctors do not stop to think seriously about the dire consequences that medicating their children and patients may have.  Children have needlessly died, been brutally tortured without having a hand laid on them, and suffered at the hands of medical science.  Parents beware; fight for your children’s lives, protect your children’s rights, question everything and get as many opinions as you need before taking the leap into medicating your precious babies.

References

Antidepressant Medications for Children and Adolescents: Information for Parents and Caregivers. (2010, March 16). NIMH. Retrieved March 16, 2010, from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/child-and-adolescent-mental-health/antidepressant-medications-for-children-and-adolescents-information-for-parents-and-caregivers.shtml#Bridge-JAMA

Antidepressant Use in Children, Adolescents, and Adults. (2010, March 2). U S Food and Drug Administration Home Page. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://www.fda.gov/Drugs/DrugSafety/InformationbyDrugClass/UCM096273

Antidepressant Use in Children, Adolescents, and Adults. (2010, March 2). U S Food and Drug Administration Home Page. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://www.fda.gov/Drugs/DrugSafety/InformationbyDrugClass/UCM096273

Comorbidity: Addiction and Other Mental Disorders – InfoFacts – NIDA. (n.d.). National Institute on Drug Abuse – The Science of Drug Abuse and Addiction. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://www.drugabuse.gov/infofacts/comorbidity.html

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV). (2004, May 15). Psychology Classroom at AllPsych Online. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://allpsych.com/disorders/dsm.html

Gaviria, M. (Director). (2001). FRONTLINE: Medicating Kids [Documentary]. USA: Pbs (Direct).

Holmes, L. (2004, June 16). Should Children Take Antidepressants?. Mental Health – Information on Mental Health. Retrieved March 16, 2010, from http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/psychopharmacology/a/kidzoloft.htm

Lanham, T. (2010, January 14). Mindy Smith on the rebound. San Francisco Examiner. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://www.sfexaminer.com/entertainment/Mindy-Smith-on-the-rebound-81337537.html

McEvoy, V. (2008, August 11). Go slow on medicating children. Boston.com. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://www.boston.com/news/health/articles/2008/08/11/go_slow_on_medicating_children/

Mercola. (2000, August 13). US Courts Forcing Parents to Medicate Children. Natural Health Articles – Latest and Current Health News and Information by Dr. Mercola. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2000/08/13/courts-adhd.aspx

NIMH · Mental Health Medications . (2010, February 24). NIMH · Home. Retrieved March 16, 2010, from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/mental-health-medications/complete-index.shtml

Null  , G. (n.d.). The Drugging of Our Children. American Family Rights Association :: The Voice of America’s Families©. Retrieved March 17, 2010, from http://www.familyrightsassociation.com/bin/white_papers-articles/drugging_our_children/#1

Pyle, E. (2005, April 25). Forced medication straitjackets kids. The Columbus Dispatch. Retrieved March 17, 2010, from http://www.dispatch.com/live/contentbe/dispatch/2005/04/24/20050424-A1-00.html

Sparks, J., & Duncan, B. (2004). The Ethics and Science of Medicating Children. Ethical Human Psychology and Psychiatry, 6(1). Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://psychrights.org/research/digest/ADHD/MedicatingKids.pdf

Stevens-Johnson syndrome: Causes – MayoClinic.com. (2009, April 10). Mayo Clinic medical information and tools for healthy living – MayoClinic.com. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stevens-johnson-syndrome/DS00940/DSECTION=causes

Vedantam, S. (2006, February 10). Warning Urged for ADHD Drugs. washingtonpost.com. Retrieved March 15, 2010, from http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/02/09/AR2006020902325.html

Your Legal Right To Refuse Medication. (n.d.). Advocacy, Inc. – Home Page. Retrieved March 17, 2010, from http://www.advocacyinc.org/IR8.cfm

Zimmer, G. (n.d.). DSM-IV, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Mental Illness, Disease, Health. Say No To Psychiatry – The Danger and Harm of the Sham Pseudoscience Known As Psychiatry. Retrieved March 17, 2010, from http://www.sntp.net/references/dsm_definition.htm

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Leep-Into-Cin – Part III

Part three and recent parts of my fight with cervical cancer

As the Pendulum Swings

Warning: The following content can be considered graphical in nature.  It may contain material that may not be appropriate for certain audiences.  Children under the age of 18, those of the male gender, and others faint of heart may want to take extra care while viewing this.  Use your own discretion.

Bringing in the Big Guns

After the experience where I was left stranded on an operating table, I had grown animosity toward that doctor that performed my surgery.  I refused to see her, and I refused to go through any more procedures.  It didn’t matter.  I had lost my insurance again and there was nothing I could possibly do.  The only other option was to return to the clinic so that they could slowly kill me with their negligence.

I did break down and go to the clinic, but only for a required Pap to receive birth control.  I…

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Leep-Into-Cin II – Part I

Finding out about HPV and cervical cancer

As the Pendulum Swings

Warning: The following content can be considered graphical in nature.  It may contain material that may not be appropriate for certain audiences.  Children under the age of 18, those of the male gender, and others faint of heart may want to take extra care while viewing this.  Use your own discretion.

One Bad Apple . . .
Twelve years ago, almost to the day, the relationship with my first love started.  We had gone circles for over six months.  He eyed me, and I fancied him.  We spoke almost daily and we had become great friends.  There were many late night conversations, spilling out our hopes, dreams, fears…  But, he was forbidden fruit, the tastiest of them all.  He was my best friend’s boyfriend.  After over a month of clandestine meetings, secret phone conversations, secrets, and lies, I came clean.  And within six months after that, we were no longer…

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A Writer or a Hack? : 30 Days of Truth

Day 11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

(Note:  I started writing this two months ago)

This prompt could not have come at a better possible time.

In my real life, there isn’t much I get complimented on. In fact, I just asked my husband his thoughts on this prompt. His response? A poor joke, followed by a, “I don’t know.” CoF, seriously, I think C.S. needs some husband boot camp.

All of the little girls at work love my hair. An elder creeper, insisting to talk to me despite me clearly wearing earphone and typing on WordPress for Blackberry, told me that I had pretty eyes. I was pretty glad the bus pulled up to the curb moments later.

Otherwise, I get quite the opposite of compliments. It’s okay, I’m used to it.

Here on WordPress, and especially everyone involved with the dialogue happening here on Pendulum, and on our local mental health blog A Canvas of the Minds, compliments are plentiful. I will spare details, mostly because I am embarrassed to talk about myself. And secondly, because I’m not sure I can completely believe it. I sit here and think, “If you only knew me.”

I find that I am most complimented on my writing.  Believe me, I am ambivalent to share that for a number of reasons.  First, I know that once a person reveals what appears to be a strength, it is preyed upon.  In my youth, I was eager to display my intelligence and talents.  There was always at least one person who was eager to take me down, either out of jealousy or just to prove a point of fallibility.  Next, I am often unsure of how much truth there is in identifying a strength or talent.  There is always some doubt and question of the validity of such a claim.  What is the measure?  Is it a popular opinion?

And finally, there is the self-doubt / humility aspect.  I do not make any claim that I am better than anyone else.  I am by no means a brilliant writer, and clearly not in the league of literary greats.  Hardly by the standard of journalist and even fellow blog authors.  I am not making an attempt to solicit compliments by saying these things.  I am only stating that I have serious doubts as to the claims made of any talent I possess.  However, I will not refute any opinion, favorable or unfavorable.

However, if there is one literary strength I have, I do know of it.  I have always possessed an uncanny ability to find a verbal expression for emotions, thoughts, and experiences.  Most often, I have had people approach me and say, “You grabbed it right out of my head, as if you lived in there with me.”  Some ask, “How do you find the words?”  To which I reply, “I really don’t know.  It just comes out.”

The answer is absolutely honest when I provide it.  I am unable to identify the mechanisms that produce the detailed emotions and internal experience.  Imagination?  Experience with the experience / emotion / thought itself?  Education?  Really, it is just something that was always there.  But, I will admit that it is a craft that I’ve unconsciously refined throughout the years, just by practicing what has been just a hobby throughout my life.

I’ve mentioned this before.  My poor eyesight has always been kind of a handicap for me.  Back in my youth, my family could not afford to provide me with glasses more than once a year, or once every other year.  Often times, I would have to wear an outdated prescription for an extended period of time, as my eyesight deteriorated.  Sometimes, I would break a pair by accident, and I wouldn’t be able to get a new pair for upwards of a year.  I learned to see and identify things by shape and color, rather than fine detail.  I could identify people by voice alone.  And one of the only hobbies I could really do without any difficulty was reading and writing, because I could only see about as far as my hand could go in front of my face.  (Note:  My vision has deteriorated so badly now that I can’t even see my hand as far as my face.  In fact, I can’t even see a book at a normal distance.  But, I have the means to correct my vision on my own now.)

I suppose I could consider it a talent, although I’m not sure how I stack up.  I guess I should worry less about a basis for comparison and just do what I do, the best way I know how.

Finally, I’d like to thank the readers for their encouragement to write.  Sometimes, it’s just a matter of necessity for my mental health.  There are other times, like these projects, where it is a matter of a pleasurable hobby.  And other times, most of the time, it is a way for me to get my message out and have a sense of purpose when it comes to my own mental health.  I do not want to feel as if my suffering is in vain.  I do not want anyone to ever have the feeling that they are alone in their own struggle with mental health.  That is the worst feeling in the world, the loneliness, isolation, and fear that accompanies it.

Thanks for giving me a place to do this, encouragement to keep on, and an audience to hear me.

Antipsychosis

I find that I’m sifting through every corner and combing every shelf.  Typically, this is how the search for my marbles goes.  I have a bulging pouch, a testament to my . . . (I cannot find the word.  This is aphasia at it’s finest.)  To my bounty of sanity that I contain.  No, instead, I am frantically . . . hunting for my inspiration.

Is this dry spell the direct result of my lack of “a certain something”?  Certainly.  Am I what I would consider sane and stable?  Certainly not.  I am muted and docile.  No gusto.  No fire.

No original thoughts of my own, apparently.

There is a certain amount of pressure mounting the a point of bursting.  Unfortunately, I cannot seem to even see my own hand in front of my face.  That is how lacking in vision and perspective I am.  I am unaware if this . . . tension is a dam walling the roaring waters of content.  Silently, I pray it is.

Instead, I feel this tightness in my psyche so strongly it becomes somatic.  What lies beneath, within?  What could possibly be of such importance that it has created a friction that produces no heat?  In all honesty, what could I possibly say about anything?  There is a complete absence of thought.  It has all become a runny stew, too brothy to hold the meat and potatoes intact.

Brain Goop Soup.

. . .

And more nothingness.  Annoyingly silent, echos of almost, faintly mocking me in nondescript whispers.

. . .

I suppose that sometimes, a disconnect develops.  This disconnect . . . well, it is just as indescribable and inexplicable as the nonsense prior.  I find the disjointed nature of these thoughts to be the severing of one underdeveloped conscious thought to the next.  Reality has become too real, and I have become evicted from my own headspace.  Expelled into the real world, where time is near frozen.  Days are detached entities, and moments have no . . . a lack of continuity.

I have found that this is the polar opposite of psychosis.  This is the state of antipsychosis, where reality is overly dominant, and abstract thought . . . is a concept in which I have to make a concerted effort.  Never before in my life have I been so uninspired, so dried up.  My home was in my head, a comfy nest in which I resided.  Where do I make a home in reality?

My bullshit radar is going off.

I find the discovery that instead of tapping into something original, I am going through the motions.

I am needy.

Extroversion has become a monster that requires feeding.  I cannot find the willpower to stop myself from desperately searching outside myself for intellectual stimulation, self-affirmation, and creativity.  I do so with the intent to stir my own soup, but I instead crumple that little page of notebook in my mind and immediately discard.  Irrelevant, my brain determines.  It does not sustain my basic needs.  It is superfluous.

Just pet me and tell me that I’m wonderful.

Not because I need the validation.  I have enough evidence to convince myself of that truth.  (Mania, maybe?)  It just feels nice to be acknowledged in the real world.  Because in the real world, I feel as if I am a wandering, translucent ghost.  Are you listening?  Can you see me?  Do my words count for anything?

Is there something wrong?

Is the theory of antipsychosis actually a manifestation of psychosis?  Are my ideas of eviction from my brain, but an absence of presence in reality a problem?  It is not distressing.  Okay, I find a tiny drop of distress, only at the idea that I may never have another unique idea again.  That this blankness, this . . . blockage will be my doomed fate.

Is my intense desire to be thought of actually neediness?  It is a tad distressing.  It is watered down.  I can live with it.  I find extreme boredom in everything.  Worse, I find myself to be the most boring of all.  I have not once before experience such severe boredom.

How do I reach out and make a connection when I have nothing funny, witty, inspiring, or provocative to say?