This would be installment number two in The Friday Confessional Series. For those of you that are new to The Friday Confessional, thanks to LaLa, writer at Seasons Change and So Have I, I have taken on the idea of the Friday Confessional. There’s something so cleansing about it. I am not Catholic, nor have I ever been. But, I can see why confessional is an important part of their Christian denomination. I believe that it’s important to mental health and spiritual health to come forward with any deep dark secrets that may be bothering me, consciously and unconsciously.
This is where I start working toward my clean slate.
I have written several articles about our tortured relationship, some of which are entitled, “Love the Way You Lie”, and “Decent into Hell”. Facts are facts. You abused me in every imaginable way. You degraded me and manipulated me into sexual acts I am still ashamed that I performed. Those are my own burdens now. Karma has come full circle and dealt with you in the best possible way, although I am still unsure as to whether losing your entire military career taught you the lesson, “What goes around comes around.” Maybe being divorced after six months of marriage in your twenties was bad enough. Somehow, I doubt those things.
Karma has dealt with me.
For what? Am I referring to the mutual abuse I helped to perpetuate? Not exactly.
Sadly, the real breaking point in our relationship didn’t occur until you had made the open admission that you cheated on me. It’s not that you cheated on me, it’s more about the lie. I caught you doing it a year and a half prior, and you convinced me that I was paranoid and delusional. It was damaging to my mental health, and truthfully, I never truly believed it. Especially after her boyfriend clearly called you and threatened you right in front of me.
I was willing to let it go, because I thought I loved you.
The truth is, I never did.
I had no right to be upset with you about cheating. Because honestly, I cheated on you probably more times and in more hurtful ways than you ever cheated on me.
I started my indiscretions at the very beginning of our relationship. Remember when I told you I was going to be in Ohio visiting relatives? Did it ever click later on that the only relative I have in that state is in Columbus? Instead of visiting family, I was visiting a truly gorgeous young man who had a serious attraction to me. We had been fooling around even before you and I were together. I won’t attempt a justification, because if I had determined it was appropriate, I would have made the admission up front.
And we had crazy kinky sex all weekend. It never occurred to you that those bruises were no accident. That same lame accident I blurted out when I brushed the subject off the very next weekend.
Honestly, I had no love for Jamie, either. But, he was a complete manwhore, mostly sexually indiscriminate between man, woman, young, or old. Jamie was an incredibly attractive boy with incredible sexual skill and anatomy. However, if had Jamie lived closer or attended the same school as we did, it would have been more likely for me to have chosen Jamie over you. I may have come to have feelings for him, however unlikely. It was just a huge self-esteem booster to be the object of such a man’s desire.
Then, there was Jeff. Jeff was actually an ongoing infidelity from the relationship prior to ours. All of those whispered late-night calls were made from his bathroom after a booty call. Sure, that’s all I was to him. I was his secret sex, because basically, I just was not attractive enough for him to parade me around his shallow friends. But, I never wanted to be his girlfriend or even his arm candy. Why? I failed to fall in love with him as well. Instead, I fell in love with the thrill of his pathetic, shallow, sex-driven psyche. I adored his compliments, sweet talk, and the ambition – all completely directed toward screwing me. It was fantastic.
All of the unfaithfulness occurred within the first two months of our relationship. That is the reason why I never reciprocated any loving gestures or words. I collected them, just as I collected all of the affections from other men, however superficial. I eventually settled for you because being promiscuous was getting exhausting. Besides, you seemed like a guy I could probably stay with.
I was wrong. I thought I loved you. I fell into a hole I couldn’t dig myself out of. And you trapped me, leaving me pacing the cage.
I cheated again with Jeff. It was once, six months into our relationship, when he failed to sleep with Adrianne at a party that you weren’t invited to.
I cheated with Beck. I went as far as to give Beck a third shot at dating and mating, even after everything that happened, because I loathed you so much.
I found myself seeking repeated emotional affairs. In college, Q and I were fantastic friends. One day, when you refused to at least walk me to a doctor’s appointment down the street, I stormed off. Q came after me, and finally walked beside me on the street. He grabbed my hand, and we talked. I choked back tears as I recounted the argument. Finally, Q stopped me in the middle of the busy city sidewalk, and embraced me. I did attempt to pull back, but not for your sake. For my own. And he said, “I’m not letting you go until you’re okay.”
That was only the beginning of Q and me. We went on “adventures” around the city together. He’d grab my hand, and we’d skip class. We went everywhere. He bought me some odd Asian ice cream in the Strip District. He taught me how to play DDR in Station Square. He took me with a group of friends to a sushi restaurant in Oakland. We walked through Schenley Park in Squirrel Hill.
Then, I went and ruined it by coming out with it. “Do you ever think we could be together?”
“Not like that. Probably not ever.”
And Simon. Simon, a great friend for three whole years. Simon, who I spent most of the summer with, drinking and talking on his back porch. I had been more emotionally intimate with Simon than anyone in a long time. But, you knew that. That’s why we had a threesome with Simon on the anniversary of Simon’s and my first kiss. And, Simon became weird about it, and I lost a friend. You did it to try to prove to me that no man could ever love me, except for you who barely tolerated me.
Finally, there is you. In reality, you were an affair from the relationship prior to ours as well.
For the record, I did not cheat with Xan. I had an accidental romance with him over five years. Over Beck, over all of those men, over Simon, and over you. And in the end, Xan and I ended up where we belonged, proving you wrong. A man can love me.