BPD and Me

A post by Angel, concerning Avoidant Personality Disorder, had me thinking again about the possibility of me having Borderline Personality Disorder.  This is a suspicion that has plagued me throughout the course of my treatment within the last year or so.  Instead of going straight to the Borderline Screenings, I went to a personality disorder screening to see the possibilities of what I may be dealing with.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder: High
Schizoid Personality Disorder: Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder: Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder: Low
Borderline Personality Disorder: Very High
Histrionic Personality Disorder: High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: High
Avoidant Personality Disorder: High
Dependent Personality Disorder: High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: High
Take the Personality Disorder Test
Personality Disorder Info

I really never imagined that I would be symptomatic of multiple disorders in Axis II.  Since BPD still remained the highest, I decided to take a specific screening.

Results of Your
Borderline Personality Test

You scored a total of 43.
Severe Borderline Personality Disorder Likely
You answered this self-report test in a way that’s consistent with people who have been diagnosed with severe Borderline Personality Disorder. This suggests that these concerns may be an issue for you as well, and something that you should seek out further assistance with this issue from a trained mental health professional immediately. Borderline Personality Disorder is characterized by a pattern of unstable and intense relationships, as well as frantic efforts to avoid abandonment — even if it’s not real.

I thought about the entire year and the instability of my own marriage – the most solid thing I can think of.  I had all of these paranoid delusions that my husband was cheating on me, although in the back of my mind, I knew it was not a possibility.  I sabotaged myself at work with the line of thinking that everyone was against me.  I started severing ties with coworkers and hiding in my classroom.  I had always thought that was characteristic of bipolar psychosis, but now, I’m not so sure.

Using the same site that Angel used, I discovered something kind of shocking:

You may be at risk for developing BPD if:

  • you have a family member who has BPD
  • you felt emotionally unstable or emotionally vulnerable as a child
  • people in your household were impulsive when you were a child
  • you were emotionally abused as a child

And all of those were true.  My mother does not have a confirmed case of Borderline Personality Disorder, but it seems she is symptomatic.  When she was a very young child, she was put into foster care.  She has absolutely no memory of this, and none of her family members will detail what happened.  My mother married her first husband on a whim, because his draft number came up to go to Vietnam.  She had an extremely turbulent relationships with him, and he mostly left her alone all of the time.  That’s how she met and fell in love with my father.

Their marriage isn’t much better.  In private, she has gone on and on about my father’s faults.  They have had a rocky relationships, where I recall them throwing around the word “divorce” probably far more often than they should have.  She binge drinks and sometimes takes too much medication.  Medication that isn’t even hers to begin with.  She is as impulsive as she can be in her restrictive environment and goes through so much emotional turbulence.  But, she will never leave my father, no matter what.

I was an emotionally unstable child, and I wasn’t the one to immediately notice.  My preschool teacher had mentioned to my mother that I needed to “toughen up”.  That one little phrase was enough to spark years of tough love and general emotional abuse and neglect.  It gave them a free pass to call it “good parenting”.  As a result, I developed this need for achievement as a means of recognition.  I was designed to people please.  Regardless, another comment came from a teacher stating, “Doesn’t take constructive criticism”.  And the idea that criticism was encouraged compounded what I was already going through.

Impulsiveness!  My father used to just go drive off in his car without telling my mother where he was going.  He’d be gone for hours, and she’d be a wreck.  One time, he went through the house waving a gun, terrorizing us with suicidal gestures.  Honestly, I can never get that scene out of my head as hard as I could ever try.  My parents have both run their credit into the dirt over impulsive shopping sprees.

Now, here’s where things get tricky.  Friends and family in the past have suggested that I may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.  An ex used those weaknesses against me.  So the presentation is convoluted because my actions are purposefully deceiving.

frantic efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment

I self-sabotage in this area.  When I perceive abandonment, I start to shut that person out of my life.  I have this funny idealization that person will perceive my own emotional abandonment and come running back.  It’s what my parents and my ex did to me, and I seemed to have picked it up.

I’ll also become more sexual and start having defensive sex or performing certain sexual acts to peak someone’s interest and entice them into staying with me.

I also have this habit of changing everything about myself to appease my partner.  This is an effort to avoid abandonment.  And it’s one that’s been preyed on before.

pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships, characterized by alternating between idealization and devaluation (“love-hate” relationships)

People that are close to me are also subjected to this regularly.  Honestly, this is a major reason why I don’t let people get too close to me.  At first, I idealize someone and pick out the best of their characteristics.  Then, I start to idealize how the relationship with them will go.  Soon, I will become disillusioned at the first sign of trouble.  And it is at that point that I begin to demonize someone.  Everything about them is bad, and I have ever right to be suspicious at their deceptive behavior.  Except, it wasn’t deceptive.  I perceived them to be something that they weren’t and assigned them to the task of living up to my unrealistic expectations.

extreme, persistently unstable self-image and sense of self

I’d like to paraphrase the way I perceive myself.  I have lived a dozen lives, and each time, with every death, I’ve risen like the phoenix out of the ashes.  In my life, I have been a dozen different people and will be dozens more, each with their own birth, life, and death, only to start once more.

I take one aspect of my life and characterize myself through it.  I’ve been a baker, a mother, a wild child, a caretaker, a housewife, a teacher, a crazy woman, a bipolar woman, etc.  And for some reason, I can’t seem to integrate all of those periods of my life into the same entity.  They are just all separate from one another, as if I were living so many different characters in the same skin.

impulsive behavior in at least two areas (such as spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

It is well known that I have a substance abuse problem with alcohol. But, here are a few facts that are the most difficult things for me to admit. I am guilty of day drinking every now and again. It is never when I’m alone with my child, for the record.  I am also guilty of taking too many benzodiazepines to escape reality from time to time.  Yes, I abuse my medication every now and again.  But, it’s not a dependence kind of thing.  I don’t find that it’s necessary, until I get into a frenzy of hysteria that produces so much distress that it’s unbearable.  The drugs quiet my mind.

And the other one is very difficult to admit as well, and I’m not sure if I can spell it out in detail.  I have a difficult relationship with food, dieting, and exercise.  I am guilty of binge eating.  I am also guilty of purging if I am distressed.  Especially if it’s about my weight.

And lastly, I recently made a confession of my sexual exploits in my youth in Promiscuously Yours, in the series The Friday Confessional.  I had multiple reasons for cheating on my ex, which is something I wouldn’t normally do.  I have a better moral compass than that.  Sometimes, I was so distressed that I just wanted to feel some kind of love.  Sometimes, I was trying to prove to myself that I was something special.  And other times, I did it out of spite.  Any which way you look at it, I did it in highly emotional moments.  And I always regretted it later.

recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or recurring acts of self-mutilation (such as cutting or burning oneself)

My cutting has been well documented in the past.  Unless I make a mindful effort not to self-harm, I will engage in the behavior.  I’ve written posts about the whys and wherefores in Why Self-Injurious Behavior?.  It’s complicated.

unstable mood caused by brief but intense episodes of depression, irritability, or anxiety

The mood episodes aren’t brief, so it leads me to believe that I may have a co-morbid diagnosis instead of a misdiagnosis.  However, I’ve always said this, and people have disagreed with me.  The only two constants for me and my disorder are reactivity and irritability.  I was under the impression that everyone with bipolar disorder is reactive and generally irritable most of the time.  Apparently, I was wrong.

I always have this underlying anxiety.  It’s made worse by social interaction, certain phobias I’ve developed, and worst of all, having to make decisions on my own.  It’s difficult for me to take care of my personal affairs, because I am always waiting on another person’s approval.  I get anxious when I make a decision by myself, because I often second guess myself.  I am constantly seeking reassurance about my decisions and guidance from others.

chronic feelings of emptiness

This one is complicated.  I don’t often feel empty.  I often feel lonely or distant.  Sometimes, I feel invisible, rejected, or ignored.  Most of the time, I actually feel too full.  I’m too full of emotion, noise, and stimuli.  I often have several voices and personas that follow me and make commentary on my life.  It’s too much.  But when medicine gets rid of them, though I am relieved by the lack of conflict, I am lonelier.  It feels like a piece of me is absent.

inappropriate and intense anger, or difficulty controlling anger displayed through temper outbursts, physical fights, and/or sarcasm

I recently wrote a post called, “I Want My Yellow Dress” using the analogy of a little girl in a movie in the most epic temper tantrum ever known to describe my own inner child.  My anger is often out of proportion for a given situation.  I have a bad temper, and I know it.  It’s something I’ve tried to deny for a long time.

In Love the Way You Lie, I described a mutually abusive relationship.  It was the only time in my life I have ever lashed out physically, but the point is that I did.  Whether a person could classify that as self-defense is questionable.  There were times I did it because I wanted to inflict pain on him.  I felt like he needed to know my own pain.

stress-related paranoia that passes fairly quickly and/or severe dissociative symptoms— feeling disconnected from one’s self, as if one is an observer of one’s own actions

I’ve written scores of blog posts and theories about this.  I am prone to paranoia, and I experience it rather frequently.  With my recent medication change, I can say that I usually only go through it once weekly.  Prior to the medication change, it was much more frequent than that.

The dissociative symptoms have been documented in Conscious, Subconscious, and Extraconscious, where I described a theory of multiple personas rather than full blown personalities residing in a place between the conscious and subconscious mind.  It’s complicated to get into, but it’s worth a read honestly.  It would give you a better idea of what I’m talking about in terms of dissociative symptoms.

When I’m doing something out of character, I often feel like I’m not the one who is doing it.  I feel like I’m trapped inside myself, or even completely outside of my own body, as a helpless observer.  When everything is said and done, sometimes I don’t quite remember the details of what happened.

It’s something I’m going to have to talk to my doctor about, because as I get older, it seems to get worse, rather than better.  Sure, I am not self-injuring in the sense that I’m not cutting.  But, I am still engaging in impulsive behaviors, and I can’t tolerate distress or disappointment.  My anger is out of control most of the time.  And that’s not when I feel too doped up to do anything.  Sometimes, I have symptoms regardless of the medication.  When I relapse, it’s usually very bad, and feels like it’s worse than the one prior.  I don’t just have a blip of an episode, but a full blown, complicated one.

44 thoughts on “BPD and Me

  1. what is the link to the test? I didn’t see it.

  2. Going off of how I currently feel, I think my birth control made me Borderline…I don’t trust any of this. Never did really but this isn’t helping. (and the pessimism continues….)

    • I wouldn’t be surprised. Hormones have such a grip on us. It’s a difficult thing, because I’m on the other side of this. If I don’t have continuous birth control, then I start to get whacky.

      I wish you all of the best, because I know it’s a difficult thing right now. Take the best care and keep me posted.

  3. It’s amazing how parallel our lives are to one another…it’s scary to think about. Here are my results:

    Disorder | RatingParanoid: ModerateSchizoid: ModerateSchizotypal: Very HighAntisocial: HighBorderline: Very HighHistrionic: HighNarcissistic: HighAvoidant: HighDependent: Very HighObsessive-Compulsive: HighURL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mvURL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html
    Major Depression: HighDysthymia: ModerateBipolar Disorder: Extremely HighCyclothymia: Extremely HighSeasonal Affective Disorder: Extremely HighPostpartum Depression: N/Ahttp://www.depressedtest.com/

    • Thanks. I appreciate it.

      All of it doesn’t come as a shock to me. In some way, I kind of want clinical recognition, because I feel like I’ve probably lived with this for too long. It’s something I wanted to deny for a long time, because it does come with some really intense stigma (thank you movies and TV). But, I’m starting to think it’s really essential to my treatment. It might be the only way I can get better for real.

  4. I do some of these things, too. When I get angry (which I don’t do often), usually it is disproportionate to the situation. I honestly don’t know whether that’s a borderline tendency or a result of the fact that I often try to keep my anger to myself. I’ve probably also engaged in binge eating since an early age.

    I’ve felt empty for what feels like my whole life. The empty feeling doesn’t have to do with emotion the way you describe it. It’s really hard to explain it where you’d get the point.–I think you’d truly have to experience it to understand it. I feel hollow inside, like everything about me is so meaningless. Like there’s no point to anything at all. That doesn’t come close to describing it, but it’s the best I can do in my half-asleep state at the moment, lol.

    My whole life, my parents had always told me I was too sensitive, so I think I’ve always been emotionally vulnerable. I don’t know whether I was emotionally abused or not. Sometimes professionals say it sounds like I was, and once a friend even told me I behaved like someone who was emotionally abused. There was a lot of impulsive behavior while I was growing up, but it wasn’t all my parents’ fault. My mom had other things going on with her, and my dad could be temperamental.

    I took that personality test, and guess what? My two “very highs” are borderline and avoidant personality disorder. If you really want to know about all of them, here they are:

    Paranoid: High
    Schizoid: Moderate
    Schizotypal: High
    Antisocial: Low
    Borderline: Very High
    Histrionic: Low
    Narcissistic: Moderate
    Avoidant: Very High
    Dependent: High
    Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

    The dependent confuses me a little because I don’t think I feel the need to be taken care of. If anything, I prefer to do things by myself before getting help.

    • When I was younger, before anyone had made any accusations or conclusions about me and BPD, I displayed a lot of symptoms very prominently.

      I’ve always had a bad temper. I used to hold it all in, but there just wasn’t enough room or control for that. I used to lash out and say the meanest things about people. I perceive slights, and I always have. I find that I sit and obsessively read between the lines.

      I get really angry when I’m disappointed. I can’t stand disappointment. It creates this distress that is intolerable. I’ll do anything to make it go away.

      I used to be empty. Instead of empty now, I feel hopeless and helpless a lot of the time. Even if I’m in a “good” mood, I still feel that way. It’s a different sensation from emptiness, because the hollows that I’ve felt in the past aren’t there anymore. It’s really hard to describe. It’s more desperate, like there’s something missing, but it’s not this complete emptiness.

      When I was growing up, I lived in a very stifling world. My mother was extremely stoic (minus when she was drunk) and expected everyone else to be too. Emotional displays were incredibly inappropriate. And I spent a lot of time being shamed for things like crying in public. I was never truly able to bottle it up like my mother wanted me to. But, it stopped me from engaging in a lot of the impulsive behaviors that I wanted to do. It also started new self-harming methods as a coping mechanism.

      I can see why your dependent was high. The reason is tied directly into BPD behaviors. One of the things that I’ve been reading is how a person with BPD has difficulty making decisions on their own. Personally, I am very dependent, and I know it. But, only when I’m enabled to be. If I’m backed into a corner, I’ll come out swinging. Or, when I suspect that someone isn’t taking care of my needs, the same thing happens. I’ll come at the person I feel is to blame, and then I’ll become incredibly selfish.

      My high in Narcissistic really threw me for a loop! How can I possibly Narcissistic when I have such a low opinion of myself?

  5. From what I have read, Narcissistic people typically feel very insecure about themselves. They have a low opinion of self, and so try to cover it with false tales that illustrate how great they are. However, I am surprised that you would come up with a Narcissistic personality profile, based on what I know of you. These tests are not entirely accurate, they are more like guidelines. I could take the same test on two different days and come up with different results based on how I felt each day.

    I think we all get disproportionately angry sometimes. I know I often do and I don’t think I have BPD, or if I do then it’s fairly low. (I’ll have to take the test.) I think I may have been worse when I was young, but life has changed me and I am NOT the person I was in high school – far from it. I think I exhibited many of the BPD traits when I was younger.

    I’m also surprised that you feel your BPD is getting worse over time. I read somewhere (a very long time ago) that BPD tends to get better as we age, while bipolar gets worse. I wish I knew where I read that.

    • Ha, that NPD sounds just like someone I know. He willfully omits facts from his stories. I wouldn’t call him a compulsive liar, because he doesn’t really lie. He just doesn’t really tell the whole truth.

      I wasn’t surprised when Histrionic came up high. The thing is, while I might be prone to dramatic displays, they’re not anywhere near intentional. I don’t like being the center of attention, because it puts too much pressure on me to perform. The attention seeking behavior comes from distress and loneliness. I find that I’m lonely a lot.

      The self-injury and related behaviors are what’s making me think this might be a certain reality for me. I used to engage in suicidal behavior, and although I have suicidal thoughts from time to time, I don’t act on them anymore. But, that’s a little more complicated than just a willful kind of thing. It has to do with life and death on my own terms.

      There are some things that have gotten better with BPD symptoms and me. For instance, like I was saying above, I don’t engage in suicidal behavior anymore. I just think it. I don’t think that there are many things that would leave me inclined to actually try anymore.

      But, other things have gotten worse. I didn’t used to have paranoid ideas. I was wildly naive when it came to people and I could never pick out their motives. I’m much better at it now, but I usually think the worst in people. It makes me an isolationist now, and I’m hesitant to let anyone get too close to me.

      The dissociative component has gotten a lot worse. Now, I’m seeing pararealities caused by the development of almost clear cut personas. While I can admit that I’ve had pseudo personas since my teens, I’ve always been able to externalize them.

      In intense situations, I mentally check out now. I used to be able to be very engaged, riding the whole thing out until the end. But now, after I’ve gone into that hysterical fit, I’m just empty. My conscious mind is somewhere else entirely while it feels like something else has taken over. I become a third party observer in a way.

      I’ve never had a stable personality, so I can’t say that has gotten better or worse. I find that I define myself through very unstable things. Unfortunately, that’s the nature of bipolar disorder. I am unstable, and it makes certain things in my life unstable too.

  6. I’ve been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. I’ve also been diagnosed as having rapid cycling bipolar disorder in the past. I know it’s very possible to have both, but also know that it’s often quite common for doctors to misdiagnose the two because apparently they share common symptom presentations, especially in regards to mood fluctuations (i’m not saying this is the case for you btw). I’ve always disagreed with my diagnosis of RCBD (even though i’m not actually qualified to do so :P) because it feels much more reactive to my external environment rather than from some other internal biological cause. I don’t know what that means for my diagnosis of Depression though – whether the same goes. But I guess what I’ve learnt through my journey is that maybe they wont ever know for sure.. and I wont either. It’s been about learning what works for me rather than focusing on the actual name of my diagnosis – trying to manage whatever disorder(s) I may have with whatever works whether it be medication or psychological treatment or both. The good thing about borderline PD is that there is evidence to suggest that full “recovery” is possible through behavioural/psychological treatment… and even if you mightn’t actually have borderlinePD, the skills in which you learn through treatment anyway are ALWAYS very beneficial and usable throughout your life. The bad thing (besides the complete chaos and emotional turmoil) is that there is literally no quick fix and it takes so much time and mountains of work. But working through the symptoms is so important and it’s good that you’ve recognised them so I hope you can find the support that you need.

    • I realize that both exist within me. I’ve said before that I feel like I have two different emotional cycles. There’s the underlying emotional state, like depressive, manic, or somewhere in between. And then, there’s the reactive mood on top. I’ve always said that there are two constants with me, reactivity and irritability. I didn’t realize that both are not constants with others with BP, but rather BPD. But, I see the mood episodes that come on for no reason and leave the same way. And in those episodes, there are some classic symptoms, especially in depression.

      Now, I believe that it is possible that the BPD is what has made the depression more pronounced, and that is probably the reason why I was diagnosed with BP II, rather than BP I. It might even be the BPD that has caused recent “mixed” episodes that seemed more situational than anything else.

      But, I don’t know if BPD can cause full on psychosis. I had repeated psychotic episodes over the last year. Abilify has thankfully taken care of that.

      For me, it’s not about the name of the diagnosis. But, the name becomes important when it comes to treatment. You are right that there is a significant overlap between BP and BPD. The difference in treatment is that one can be exclusively treated with medications and can see positive results. The other will always have breakthrough symptoms until the behaviors are addressed. That’s why the clinical term for it remains important to me. It highlights the difference between each, so I know how to handle it.

      If there is a BPD component, it would explain a lot. I would probably get some relief in knowing that it’s completely treatable, instead of the feeling that I get when I think that these are BP related symptoms. There’s a certain shadow that hangs over BP when I think about it, because so far, no professional can ever claim that the symptoms won’t return. They will. And unfortunately for me, I’ve noticed that when the do return, they do so with a vengeance.

      I can’t help but take things personally. I’ve gotten better about not letting myself go down some slippery slopes, but there are times where I just can’t talk myself down from the ledge. I grasp responsibility for things that aren’t my fault. It’s easy for me to accept it when someone throws it onto me, and I sink into a deep, dark place.

      For instance, my husband and I were in heated battle yesterday over our son. I’ve already been feeling down, because there was a significant break in my son’s services. I realize that my parenting has been less than stellar, especially over the last year. And I can thank my extreme symptoms and my refusal to seek treatment for that.

      But, what my husband said to me compounded it. He stated, and I’m paraphrasing, “You were the one who failed to get him help while you were going through whatever you were going through.” And it hit me like a wrecking ball, shattering every bone in my body, every bit of what little cohesive world I have remaining. I couldn’t say anything in return. I had already threatened to leave him if he stood between my child, me, and getting him the help that he needs. I know that wasn’t the way to go about doing it, but I was furious with his wanting to wait even longer to get him services.

      I know it was a slip. I know he didn’t mean it. But, I took it too close to my heart and I slipped into the dark place and disappeared entirely.

      I’ll have a post out about it today.

  7. I am currently diagnosed with schizoaffective-bipolar type and either Personality Disorder NOS or Borderline Personality Disorder deprending on who you ask. In the past I have been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder and Bipolar disorder, also MDD as a child. I think I fit both the axis I and axis II diagnosis because I see the schizoaffective as more of a random botch of symptoms that enviormental changes don’t have much effect on. And then I have mood swings, brief psychotic symptoms, etc… that seem to be dependent on my enviornment and can be changed most times by mine or others behaviors. I think they write BPD more than Personality Disorder NOS, because it qualifies that is the main symptoms even though I meet symptoms from a wide range of the persoanlity disorders.
    My results:
    Paranoid- Moderate (the increase in Seroquel might be helping this)
    Schizoid- Moderate
    Schizotypal- High
    Antisocial- Low
    Borderline- Very High
    Histionic- High
    Narcisstic- Low
    Avoidant- Very High
    Dependent- High
    Onsessive-Compulsive- High

    • I was MDD as an adolescent. I realize that personality disorders can’t be diagnosed prior to 18, but I could see the BPD symptoms even more prominently then. They say a lot of girls go through it, but I was never really able to resolve it. Instead, I put a whole mess of layers of BS on top of it to try to disguise it. I’ll answer questions like, “No, I’m not afraid of abandonment.” What I should have finished that sentence with it, “Not right now, I’m not.” Maybe wait until I get into a paranoid fit, and we’ll see what happens.

      I have come to the recent conclusion that I have psychotic symptoms that were never previously addressed. The delusional part of it is the worst. I am subjected to delusions daily. The medicine is helping a little bit, because I’m less insistent that they are true.

      I don’t know if that works into BPD or BP. I’m a little fuzzy on the overlap there.

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  10. Oh my gosh, you sound so similar to me! Almost everything that you have described in this post is something I have experienced or thought. I have wondered if I have BPD in the past – this makes me almost certain. Thank you for being so open about all of this, I think it could help me a lot – explaining myself and working on my problems. I never really thought to mention these things in sessions with my therapist, but now I wish I had: they do seem relevant!

    • I think everyone has displayed these symptoms at some point in their lives. I think it’s really just a part of personality development. The only trouble with me is that it seems to just be getting worse instead of better. And, I guess when it becomes part of disorder, then it’s supposed to do that until it’s treated.

      I’m glad I could help. I really am. This is something I’ve thought for a long time. I wish I could visit a therapist and get this cleared up, but it’s not something I can afford at the moment. We’ll see as time goes on what my financial situation looks like. For the time being, I’m doing workbooks at home with some success.

      • I sometimes think, though therapists can come up with some sparkling suggestions, all recovery must come from yourself. All you need is the facts – which you’ll get from your workbooks – and the changes will be made by you when you’re ready. Though this is only to a certain extent, otherwise why would we bother with therapists at all?
        Good luck with the workbooks. You’re a wonderful writer.

        • Thank you.

          I’m doing a little better with the workbooks. I just need to start speaking up when I know I’m in crisis.

        • Definitely. I think we all have a tendency to hold things in and feel guilty about feeling low, which really is the worst thing to do. And if in doubt – blog about it! Haha.

        • So true! I try to put a positive spin on the things that bother me, just to add some perspective to it. You know, finding the silver lining, even when it’s hard.

          It helps, most days, anyway.

        • Yeah! I find my friends can help a lot with that if I can’t seem to distract myself – a lovely and wonderfully random group haha.

        • It’s wonderful to hear you have such a brilliant and kind support network. That is really a rare thing in the community, from what I understand.

        • I’m sure it is. I’m lucky to have people that don’t get too freaked out when I freak out.

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  12. You seem to reflect on yourself pretty honestly. I appreciate all you’ve written here. I especially hear you about abandonment, and your reaction.

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