I Want My Yellow Dress!


I am infamous for making pop culture references.  For those of you that don’t get the reference, I’ll break it down for you.  It comes from a scene in the move I’ll Do Anything (written by James L. Brooks, who does The Simpsons now), where the little girl, Jeannie and her estranged father are on an airplane.  Jeannie tells her father that she wants to wear her yellow dress.  He attempts to calmly explain to her that it’s in the luggage that’s under the plane.  Then, Jeannie starts throwing this epic temper tantrum, screaming and crying repeatedly, “I want my yellow dress!”  

Just to cause a bigger scene, Jeannie slaps herself to make it sound like her father did it.

There’s a point, I promise.  Today, my horoscope said this:

Here is your Daily Horoscope for Thursday, October 4

Your inner child is dominant today, so make the most of it and have fun! You should be able to get others energized and find new ways to do almost anything. If you’ve actually got kids, so much the better!

Inner child by Irene Majale

My immediate response?  What inner child?

I don’t feel childlike, in any respect.  I take absolutely no pleasure in children’s games or activities.  I often find it difficult to have a conversation with a child.  Not to say that I am unable to enjoy their company.  I am at a loss for what children like to do.

I have always done pretty adult activities, with the exception of playing with dolls, but even that was pretending to take care of a house, a husband, and a child.  I am drawn to solitary activities.  I write.  I doodle.  I read.  I craft, and have been called grandma as a result.  These have been the constants in my life.

That’s when I realized it.  I am childlike in a different way.  I throw temper tantrums.  I have obsessive wants and abandonment issues.  I have a desperate need for approval.  I fear authority figures, and I often find that I feel helpless.  This is helpless over my own behavior and helpless to fulfill my own wants and needs.  I am rebellious and conflicted.

My inner child is not very healthy.

I have had a retrospect of my childhood recently and came to several conclusions.

  • I grew up too fast.
    It didn’t start out as something I wanted to do.  I started out as something I needed to do.  As a sibling of autism, you are taught that you have to be adult about a lot of situations.  That means, when you have feelings of neglect and resentment, you have to repress them.  It’s the adult thing to do.I had a serious misconception.  At the time of adolescence, I made the decision to take on the freedom of an adult, since I had carried the burden of responsibility of an adult in childhood.  Perhaps it was due to bodily changes, or just coming-of-age.  Either way, I made some irresponsible choices to participate in grown-up activities in adult situations way too soon.
  • I was an overachiever.
    Achievement leaves little room for childlike activities.  It requires self-discipline the likes of which no ordinary kid could offer to themselves.  I practiced my music alone.  I became second chair, next to a girl who had lessons.  I became a second part section leader at the age of eleven.  I joined library club, just to put books away and spend my free time reading classic literature far above my head.I didn’t play sports.  I loathed gym and feared recess.  Most of the time, I would sit on the bleachers alone, staring into the vastness of the parking lot.  And there wasn’t a soul who was interested in having me join their game.
  • I was a sensitive child who needed to grow thicker skin.
    My preschool teacher was the first person to bring this to my mother’s attention.  What little girl doesn’t cry at the age of four?  What parent seems to think that crying is unhealthy?  Well, it was the 80’s after all.By the time I was in second grade, I started to develop panic attacks.  They landed me in the nurses office frequently, and I was deemed a hypochondriac at that time.

    Fourth grade was when I had the toughest teacher of them all.  I read her comment on the report card before my mother even had the chance.  “Does not take constructive criticism.”  After I work my little rear off, she has the gall to say that?!  Yes, I was discouraged that I wasn’t perfect at everything.  Maybe a little reassurance, you know?

My inner child seems to still be pretty angry about all of this stuff.

I get it, now.  I have spent a great deal of time and energy into satisfying the immediate demands of my inner child.  Or, on the opposite end, I have been denying my inner child completely.  I have really done nothing to nurture and attend to this internal being.

How do I go about doing that?

Astrology suggests looking at my Moon sign to determine the kind of soul food that I need.  However, it seems that, while astrology may have a clue as to where my interests lie, psychology appears to have a better grasp on the nature of the inner child.

Livestrong.com has a list of suggestions.  Here are the ones I like the best:

What nurturing messages can you give your “inner child”?
You can tell your “inner child” that it is OK to:
* Have the freedom to make choices for itself.
* Be “selfish” and do the things you want to do.
* Take the time to do the things you want to do.
* Associate only with the people you want to associate with.
* Accept some people and to reject others.
* Give and accept love from others.
* Allow someone else to care for you.
* Enjoy the fruits of your labor with no guilt feelings.
* Take time to play and have fun each day.
* Not to be so serious, intense and inflexible about life.
* Set limits on how you are going to relate to others.
* Not always “serve” others.
* Accept others “serving” you.
* Be in charge of your life and not let others dictate to you.
* Be honest with others about your thoughts and feelings.
* Take risks and to suffer the positive or negative consequences of such risks.
* Make mistakes, laugh at them and carry on.
* Let your imagination and creativity be set free and to soar with the eagles.
* Cry, hurt and to be in pain as long as you share your feelings; do not repress or suppress them.
* Be angry, to express your anger and to bring your anger to some resolution.
* Make decisions for yourself.
* Be a problem solver and come up with solutions with which everyone may not agree.
* Feel happiness, joy, excitement, pleasure and excitement about living.
* Feel down, blue, sad, anxious, upset and worried, as long as you share your feelings.
* Love and be loved by someone whom you cherish.
* Be your “inner child” and to let it grow up, accept love, share feelings and enjoy pleasure and play.

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30 thoughts on “I Want My Yellow Dress!

  1. How you doing today?

    • Maybe a little childish. LOL. I’m a little down, just because of circumstantial things. I don’t think this is a depressive thing. I just feel like I’m stuck in my life, you know? In the no-man’s-land. We’ve been here.

      • Im sorry you have been feeling that way. I had the most mega negative charged day yesterday. I am glad it is over. Everything has kinda been thrown at me at the same time. Are you doing anymore Friday confeswsionals? I have one set to post today and I think that will be my last one for now anyway.

        • Yeah, it’s up now. I’m sorry you haven’t been well. Are you doing your Friday confession?

        • I have one prepared for today but I think that’ll be it for a while.

        • Is everything okay with you?

        • well there are a lot of circumstances going on at the same time right now. But I will be fine. I will feel better when I have my cat back home with me healthy. Yesterday was terrible. It seems that I can not write anything about it though becasue the energy from then won’t let me. I know that sounds strange but it is true. I will try to blog about it at a later time when the level isn’t so high. It shuts my computer down every time I try and explain it at this point. But mostly today I am just worried about my cat. As far as Friday confessions go, I prepared one for today and published it. I am just going to give it a rest after this for a while. I am running out of confessions that I can actually share lol. I am reading your s now sweety xx

        • Did I miss something? What happened with kitty?

        • He hadn’t been eating and lost a ton of weight. I thought it was because he wasn’t getting enough attention at first but then one night I just lookedat him and he was scary thin. I took him to the vet on wednesday. He has a mass in his intestines. Most likely his bowels are impacted. The Dr has been giving him enema after enema and not much has been removed. This morning he is going to have to give my cat a seditive and use an instriment to go in there through his rectum and manually try and break it up. The doc is also worried that the blockage could be the result of some other problem, so he is going to do an xray today as well. I have had Lazar for 10 years (he is 10 yrs old). I even helped to deliever him because he was so big. This is the first time he has ever been sick adn it is breaking my heart. I don’t know how I would deal with it if something happened to him. But it is just weird not knowing and him not being here with me while he is going through this. I just want him home soon.

        • I’m so sorry to hear! Animals are just as much a part of a family as family is. I will pray for you, LaLa, and especially Lazar too.

        • thank you so much!

  2. Hey Lu,
    I’m back now, and just starting to work my way through so so many posts. I didn’t know whether to start and the top and work down or and the bottom and work up… in the end it was easier to go back in time computer wise 🙂
    You’re advice to your inner child is valid for all ages I think,reading them now, there are many of them I would tell myself, especially
    “its OK to love and be loved by someone whom you cherish ”

    it took me a long time to be able to do that. Fear of the pain of losing that love held me back, but my mum’s death, has made me realise that that love isn’t going to be there forever, time is finite, and to accept that love and give it back to that special person before it’s too late.

    Hope you have been ok these last few weeks, and that life and living has been good for you and not too stressful.
    See you soon 🙂
    love n hugs
    xxx

    • Welcome back!

      So many of those struck me so hard that I was breathless. I actually started a kind of child regression journal to document flashes that pop back from my childhood. You wouldn’t have believed what I managed to grab today. Those flashes weren’t memories attached to some piece of data in my memory bank. They were lingering emotions tied to this complex web of things that I just don’t have access to. And now that I do, I need to gain some kind of footing to get some understanding.

      • Thanks Lulu 🙂
        Good luck with your journal ( sounds like a good idea to me ) and very intriguing too.. what did you manage to grab today if you can write about it and of course if you dont mind me asking?

        I’m off to catch up on your entries that I ‘ve missed from the last few weeks,, as a famous general once said ” I’ll be back”…. or was that Arnie 🙂
        Hope today is going ok for you,
        take care xxx

        • It’s funny, because I actually have to reference the journal for this. It came out and my mind buried it again. Or course, I take a break from journaling on weekends.

          This is a confessional kind of thing, something I’ll probably have to focus on in a Friday Confessional. I have some hangups over being raised with my brother. My brother has autism, and I remember being in a horrible mental place over it in my childhood. See, he was indulged a lot, because it was easier than correcting him. And I would get jealous, naturally. And I was confused. How come he could strike someone in anger and still get rewarded?

          Then, my parents would turn around and tell me that they didn’t have the money to get us both something. I didn’t get it. I was a good kid. And they told me that I had to be forgiving and understanding of when my brother would lash out physically at me. He would have these violent temper tantrums. Until I was pregnant with my son, I remember I had no claustrophobia at all. In fact, I preferred tight spaces, because no one else could get into them. Now, I can’t stand the idea of being trapped.

          I realize that there’s probably a lot of PTSD results from that. A lot of my phobias seem to stem from incidents in my childhood. And I didn’t remember these incidents until recently.

          I remember I was a lonely a child. I didn’t have friends, and I remembered why. I thought I was weird, because my family was not like other families. My mother would drink. My father was in an out of psych hospitals. And my brother, well, he was wild. I was actually discouraged from bringing friends home, and I remember I was rarely allowed to go to another person’s house.

          There’s more, but those are the highlights. The focus was “Expressions” and I headed each one with an emotion that led me into a situation.

  3. I like this post a lot because while I’m not into child-like activities and games I am recognising that my inner child missed out on so much when I was growing up. I’ve found it hard to even picture a inner child for me, but I have done something to help that. It’s not something I talk about because it probably assigns me to the ‘completely mental class. But this is it. I used to play with dolls as a child, and they were like my world to me. I’ve still got them hidden away in a cupboard but I’ve got one out to remind me of my inner child. It is a doll I was given when I was one, so I don’t remember a time when she didn’t exist in my world. Somehow by her physical presence it reminds me to care for that inner child. She’s like a physical representation of that inner child. And crazy as it sounds, it’s working for me. Maybe it doesn’t have to be a doll but something physical that I can see and touch works. Okay so I’m completely mental. I don’t care. If it works… 🙂

    • I actually drew a picture of my inner child today. I decided that I’m going to do it daily in this child progression journal thing until I can get somewhere to where the image of my inner child is happier and better, you know?

      I still have my security object from when I was a kid. No explanations necessary, LOL.

  4. I was never really into childlike games, either, and I’m awkward around kids. When I played with my dolls, I just made up stories. Is making up stories childlike? Is imagination a childlike trait? I don’t know. My imagination has always been rather morbid, though.

    I think I might have an inner child . . . but not in the carefree sense. It’s more like I often feel like a scared little girl who’s hiding in a corner because she’s afraid of having her feelings hurt. Like it wants to be coddled but never had the opportunity to be coddled. I was also always told I was too sensitive and that I need to “grow a thicker skin.” Like that helps.

  5. I feel the same way. We’re very similar in that respect. As a matter of fact, I was talking with a friend the other day about Barbies and I said, “I did some pretty sick sh*t with my Barbies. Is that normal?” She said something like, “You should have seen what I did with mine.”

    I made up soap opera like stories, complete with sex and violence. I guess I knew way too much about the world at too early of an age. I think that’s also where I got this strange notion that adults don’t actually like or love each other. That’s a little more complicated than I can get into right now.

  6. We are finding our yellow dresses
    With many Yes’es
    And No’s

    We are finding our Many
    Splendoured
    Coloured
    Rainbow
    Dresses

    Naked finally
    We dress ourselves.

    X

    Smiling crying in the mirror.

  7. Great post. Does Hello Sailor follow you? She needs to read this!

  8. Pingback: BPD and Me | Sunny With a Chance Of Armageddon

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