29 thoughts on “Little Shades of Grey – Sexual Assault by a Lover

  1. Just read this post. I think I will email you sometime today and share some things. I want to know what you think about a couple of experiences. I hurt for you to read this post. It had to have taken tremendous courage to post this. I am glad you did though. Things like this should be shared and it makes it easier when you know that someone has stood up and told the story. I love you girl, I hate that you have been through the things you have. I will write later today. (((hugs)))

    • I shook with cold sweats the entire time. I was determined to do it in enough detail so there were no blanks anyone could put in.

      It’s degrading – the act itself. It’s embarassing that I would ever even consent for a second to it. And third, it’s something that makes me so vulnerable for being violated like that. The shame has mostly gone away, because there was no way I could have ever walked into that room and known better.

      In fact, I’ve been able to feel better about it over the years. Pittsburgh has that 8 degrees thing going on where everyone knows everyone through, at most, eight people. So, inevitably, I ended up in situations with ex’s of his that knew other ex’s. Apparently, this was pretty common. I made a lot of them feel better, knowing they weren’t his only victim. It makes you feel a little less stupid when it is someone’s MO. One day, he’ll do it to the wrong woman and end up 6 feet under.

  2. Wow! You are so brave and incredibly strong to write about this. I commend you!

    • Thank you. Like I said to LaLa, I was a mess writing it. I blocked several times, but I had that memory gripped. The only thing my brain could do was try to trip my words, so I wrote it in pieces. I feel like if I put it out there, another woman might see it and feel better about her bad experience. It’s easier when you know you’re not the only one.

      But, I know how triggering it can be. So, I really only want this to be for the audience currently working through it.

  3. I didn’t want to just read and run but you are so brave to have spoken about this. I’m so sorry that you had to go through something like this. x

  4. Brave woman you are, thank you for sharing this. It will help others. xx

  5. How utterly horrific for you. I can feel the pain because I’ve had a similar experience myself. By a supposed boyfriend at the time. I’m sorry. Here caring xx

  6. I know others have commented the same thing, but I’ll just re-iterate for you: you’re an incredibly brave person to put your story out there. I think, maybe, if there were more people like you who had overcome the shame and spoke out about rape, it would go reported more often and (hopefully) the perpetrators would be caught more often. Here’s to your courage.

    • Unfortunately, this incident happened almost nine years ago. That’s how long it took me to come out with it.

      I actually remember that I told my sister about it a couple of years ago when she came back to town. And I remember that she didn’t believe me and teased me about the incident. That’s a big reason why women don’t report. There is a huge lack of support out there.

      I remember my husband (then friend) did find me that evening, because after the incident was over, I occupied his shower for a long, long time. Firstly, that’s the kind of dirt that you just can’t scrub off. Secondly, I didn’t know where else to go. Everyone else was already occupying a sofa, and I didn’t want to wake anyone. Besides, I wasn’t about to tell them why I wasn’t interested in sleeping in my ex’s bed that night.

      He’s always been so finely tuned to me that he knew that something was really wrong. All I did was ask him to bring me a towel and to borrow a change of clothes from his girlfriend. I would have left, but we were practically snowed in, and it was very late at night. He sat with me for awhile, but I never told him. I made something up about having a fight with the guy.

      I was gone at daybreak, as soon as the first bus rolled into town. It was my understanding that the next day, my ex went on about his business like nothing even happened. But, he went as far as to take a week off of college, and then break up with me via IM at the end of that week.

      I guess he thought that if he could get away with it once, he could do it again. Because my husband reports that he had already had a girl staying with them. One night, she was beyond drunk, and he raped her too. My husband sat up with her all night and counseled her, just because she didn’t want to go home and be alone with that.

      Neither of us reported. Because both of us were drunk, both of us were already sleeping with him, and both of us were in a relationship with him (yeah, I found out about that later). We never thought that anyone would believe us, and I guess neither of us thought that he perpetrated that detestable crime onto anyone else. We had both been long time friends / lovers with him, and I know that a little part of me had just wanted it to be a misunderstanding between the two of us.

      But, I’ll get into the misunderstanding part in my next part in the series.

  7. I’m not going to hit like but I’m here and I’m angry.

    • Thank you for your comment. I really do appreciate the rally of support.

      Interestingly enough, I mentioned my post to my husband last night. If you see the comment to The Mental Chronicles above, my husband (then friend) was present at the time. Apparently, it’s something that still affects him, because he was seriously ready to go hunt him down. All it would have taken was a FB message, a phone call, and a short drive to the next town. I told him to settle down. It was almost nine years ago. I was positive that someone had to have called him out on it by now.

      Hopefully.

  8. I’m not liking because I “like” what happened. I like your courage for sharing what you’ve gone through, and I agree with you.

    • I am positive that this occurs more frequently with women than anyone realizes. And probably young women too, who don’t really understand the rules of sex, who don’t have the courage to say no, and / or who can’t understand the signs of a dangerous situation. I understand that in my situation, there was no way I could have known. I don’t blame myself at all anymore, because what was a regular, consenting situation took a vicious turn.

      But, I think of all of the women out there that are sexually brutalized and / or violated by someone that they trusted, and beat themselves up over it. I’d like those women to find this, and to find that it’s not their fault. They didn’t do anything to deserve this. No one deserves rape / sexual assault. And I want them to know that it happens more frequently than they think. They’re not a victim. They are a survivor.

  9. Pingback: Little Shades of Grey – Domestic Sexual Assault | Sunny With a Chance Of Armageddon

  10. You are one strong lady. Im not ready to post about my grey situations, but thank you for being brave enough to post about this. Karen x

  11. Pingback: 99th Post Celebration! « Sunny With a Chance Of Armageddon

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