I Am Not God : 30 Days of Truth


Day 05: Something you hope you never have to do.

Decisiveness is not my strong point. I realize that certain choices can have long lasting effects. One choice can start a major chain reaction, cascading through many aspects of life, for better or worse. I have difficulty evaluating which decision will yield the best results, or do the least amount of damage. In fact, I’m sometimes so indecisive that mundane, daily selections become a challenge. What to eat? What to wear?

I hope that I will never have to be faced with a life or death decision.

I am not God. Nor can I ever pretend to be any spiritual deity that would be remotely qualified to render that judgment. I do not even have the capacity to make that choice for myself.

As a woman on a slew of medication and also of child-bearing age, this is a hot topic that remains fixed in the peripherals. I’m sure it’s something many women using pharmaceutical treatment for mental health think about. These are black box medications. What would I do if I got knocked up?

I’d love to have a definitive answer. In all fairness, this is a lot more complicated than your average abortion debate.

Yes, I’d keep the baby.
Taking a life is wrong. It’s not up to me to decide. If I took every precaution, and I still managed to conceive, then it was really meant to happen. I couldn’t imagine the heartbreak of losing a child, and the resentment toward myself for doing it purposefully. It would be an impossible decision to live with. Every life deserves a chance. Every child is a blessing.

No, I would abort the baby.
Sometimes, a woman has to do what is best for herself, the child in question, and her family. It would not be right to bring a child into this world that may likely have extraordinary special needs. It would be wrong for the potential child, cursing them to a life of physical and / or mental disability. It would be criminal to drain precious few resources from the rest of the family, such as time, money, and energy. And it may be extremely dangerous, if not fatal to both fetus and mother if I were to quit medication cold turkey.

This could turn to a very heated dialog. I have to cut it off at some point. We’ll cross that bridge if we get there.

That’s the only definitive life-and-death decision I can produce. There are thousands of scenarios.

I’m holding my husband by one arm and my son by the other from a ledge where they both slipped. I only have enough strength with both of my arms to save one. Who do I choose?

Life and death. It’s too big of a moral dilemma for me to ever want to handle. There are some moments where I could make a hard and fast decision. Giving my life to protect my loved ones? Yes. Taking a life to protect my loved ones? Only if absolutely necessary. Taking a life for vengeance? No.

Otherwise, leave me out of it.

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17 thoughts on “I Am Not God : 30 Days of Truth

  1. great post. Very honest. You aren’t pregnant are ya? lol

    • No, no! I mean, I want to be, but I’m back on the continuous cycle. That started about a month ago, because the doctors were pretty sure that was causing more a problem now that I’m on a higher dosage of Lamictal.

      We have a name picked out. We just don’t have a time that’s right yet.

  2. Start taking 4 mg of folic acid every day. My OB/GYN tells me that’s the optimum dose for women on high-risk medications. And sister, let me tell you, I am on some of the highest risk there are.

    Of course you could always prevent this particular decision from having to be made in the first place. You know of me and my feelings on why those of us on dangerous medications need to be even more careful not to get knocked up. Just sayin’.

    (BTW, I wouldn’t have made that last comment to just any woman. But a) we’re friends, and b) you have the capacity to take the precautions that eliminate risk. And no, I’m not talking anything permanent.)

    • Oh, I’m not worried. I haven’t gotten accidentally knocked up before, and I don’t plan on starting now. I figure as long as I’m using my birth control correctly, I’ll be just fine.

      But, I will start taking that folic acid. I’ll ask Xan to hook a gal up. You know, just in case. The good thing is that I knew I was pregnant within two weeks of conception the last time. So, I might actually have a chance at catching it before it become a very serious issue.

      • To my understanding, folic acid can really make an enormous difference, and obviously you want it in the body long before conception. Which is why I take it faithfully every night. I don’t plan on ever getting pregnant, and with an IUD plus condoms, the likelihood is basically zero – but the emphasis is on the basically. Not completely.

        Add to the fun that I can’t take home pregnancy tests because of the Carbatrol, and you get. . . Well, more fun.

        • Oh, seriously? I believe it. I wonder what else makes the situation of false positives? Those are so rare, the doctors have told me.

          Thanks for the heads up. I have dreams about little E, and she’s not healthy. Yes, I dream of a she, though I don’t want a girl.

          I had this dream before Beast was even known to be a boy. I dreamed that I had two teenagers. One was a huge hulking boy who looked exactly like Xan, but way taller and bigger. He was also a lot older than the girl. He had to have been like 18, and he was horsing with Chris, picking him up in the air and things. The girl and I stood together and laughed.

          She was a waif of a little girl. She looked to be about thirteen, and she was a rail, but only a little taller than me. Her hair was dark at the roots, and colored like mine, bright blonde. You could tell she went through great pains, because her roots were far darker than mine, like Xan’s. But, she was fair with bright turquoise eyes. She looked like a cross between my mother and I. As funny as that is, all women come out looking like different versions of one another. We all look the same. It shouldn’t have surprised me that little E looked like a little clone of the women.

          But, she’s always looked fragile in my dreams. Maybe it’s because I still question her literal existence in this world.

        • That’s such a sweet dream. I love it, absolutely beautiful. Though, for the record, I look nothing like my mom. I have her (and her mom’s) nose, otherwise I would swear to you I had to be adopted or switched at birth, because I look nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing like either one of my parents or their families. Everyone else does, my sister looks like all of my dad’s mom’s family. I actually didn’t realize how odd this was until I started raising other people’s kids, and I was like, “Hey, families are supposed to look alike!” Epiphany. That’s how different I am. 😉

        • You are quite different, indeed. That’s what I love most about you.

          Women pop out in my family and end up looking like at least another woman in the family. All of the women resemble each other. My “sister” is actually my third cousin by blood. People mistook us as twins when we were young children. That’s how much of a resemblance the women have.

          I do have some of my dad’s best features. I have his hair texture, but not color. The rest of the women in my family have thin, straight hair. I have medium, wavy hair. I have a weird nose that I can’t figure out where it came from. And I got my father’s strong brow. All traits I enjoy. As for the rest of it, well, I’ll post pics of me and my mother one day, just so you can get an idea.

  3. I have been faced with a decision such as this and it blows.

    I hope I never have to decide it again.

  4. Pingback: More Than Ten Years : 30 Days of Truth | Sunny With a Chance Of Armageddon

  5. It’s a decision I’ve worried about having to ever make for a long time. Thankfully I’m almost too old now but now my mum has decided that I should decide on her life if a life and death decision has to be made. My parents chose me over my saner, older brothers apparently because I would have more compassion. I’m not sure that I appreciate the vote of confidence and just hope I never have to act.

    I had a similar situation when my Dad died last year. I had to give him CPR while waiting for the ambulance and it is such an exhausting thing to do. I really didn’t know if I had it in me to keep going, but I knew I potentially had his life in my hands (literally). It felt a bit like your example of your partner and son hanging on a ledge. Wow, we never need to be in these situations.

    • No, but I worry that it’s an inevitable part of life. I think about Phil Collin’s “In the Air Tonight” where he describes a situation where a man was drowning. He couldn’t rise to the occasion. I don’t blame him, because it was an absolute stranger. I think when it’s someone you love, it’s completely different.

      Those decisions, those actions, that’s what makes people everyday heroes. You are a hero for that. I know if it were my husband, I’d keep on going, but if it were anyone else, I don’t know if I could find the strength. Oh, and my son. I have to brush up on my pediatric CPR.

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